This is the song that never ends...

I'm still kickin'

2007-11-23T10:55:00.000-05:00

Time sure flies when you're avoiding Blogger. Life's been busy. Good busy. And I have some big news.

I got knocked up again.

What? Yes, that's correct. We're expecting another monster. I haven't gotten into the OB, yet because I'm only about 8-9 weeks along. The nausea has started to subside and I can actually stomach a little bit of coffee every once in a while. From about week 3-4 until a few days ago, I've had all-day, gross nausea. No puking, though. Amen.

I'll pop in a bit more now that life is starting to get a bit more normal. I've got tons of pictures of the kid and I'll pop some pictures of my fabulous, new Christmas tree in here, too.

Ooooh. Riveting stuff.

Special Guest Blogger

2007-08-27T22:21:00.000-04:00

This blog entry brought to you by the man of the house, John:

We're a coffee kind of a house. It's not odd for the coffee maker to be bubbling away at least three times a day.

We're wannabe connoisseurs too. I actually ground my own beans for a while, before we figured it wasn't worth it. It smells great, and is always fresh, but one-handed, with the baby, was just too tough.

One time, I even looked at a website that taught you how to make your own blends and roast your own beans, but it never went further then that. At that point, I think I'll hit the Starbucks.

But today we hit an odd, ingenious and pathetic low. We used a Swiffer for a filter. It wasn't our first choice. The usual hierarchy of filters goes: cone coffee filter, basket coffee filter from the old machine that doesn't fit, paper towel, and lastly, paper napkin. As fate would have it, we had none of the above.

It's funny how life doesn't give you what you want, but gives you what you need. As I'm debating with myself about whether the grounds might sneak through the perfs in toilet paper, my eyes fall on the Swiffer. A quick run to the tap shows good water flow, excellent wet strength, and just an imperceptible amount of initial linting. Fabulous.

Ghetto fabulous.

And as I sit here enjoying my rather delicious cup of coffee, I realize that a Swiffer pad costs about 20 times as much as an actual coffee filter. And the realization that it actually costs more to look this degenerately deprived seems sadly ironic. Like paying half a mill for a double wide. And buying dents as an option.

Vanity Fair

2007-08-06T11:11:00.000-04:00

I'm not a big fan of people that pose their kids into little themes for the sake of a not-so-funny-to-everyone-else picture.

Apparently, I don't have to do that with this child. This is exactly how I found him next to a stack of magazines in my office:

What can I say? The kid loves his Fair.

Waaaahhhhh

2007-07-29T22:01:00.000-04:00

I'm recovering from a helluva chest cold/head cold/deathwish that I've had all week. It started on Tuesday with me wondering why the kiddo was so sick and then realizing that I was just as sick as he was. To top it all off, while I was Swiffering the baseboards in the dining room, I ended up getting the worst back strain evah! Evah, evah. Seriously, I'm walking around like I have some kind of stunted spinal injury problem. I can't stand up straight and it hurts to do anything but sit in a fetal position. Gah.

I've also been drinking tea with sugar. Sugar! Whenever I get sick, I eat a whole bunch of carby shit and it just goes straight to my head. I just can't do starches, man. Whenever I give in to the sinful goodness of the white stuff, I cannot stop. Seriously, CANNOT. Crazy.

What else is new....... doing a weightloss thing at the gym with another trainer because, yes, I still have about 30 pounds to go until I'm at pre-baby marathon weight. A weight that was still about 30 pounds heavier than my perceived ideal. But hell, at this point, I'd be THRILLED to be there.

The one thing that NO ONE told me about having a baby was that there was a possibility that I might not lose the weight. I want to find each and every person who said that losing the weight would be easy with breastfeeding (HA-if only I *could* have breastfed, you awful, wretched beyotches). It's enough to make a girl go insane. I watch those makeover shows sometimes---you know, the ones where the chicks are all beat-up looking right after coming out of surgery---and I used to laugh at how stupid they were for taking the 'easy way out' and having someone cut off their fat or sculpt their jaw. In some way, I still feel that way, but let's just say that there's a teeny, tiny part of me that's envious when I see the final 'after'.

The work to get this eat-all-you-want-while-you're-pregnant fat off is INSANE. And I'm super-pissed that more people (or ANY people, for that matter) didn't tell me while I ate JARS of peanut butter at my office desk every day.

I still remember lapping up ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery while I was large and in charge and telling John about how I'd heard that you lose the weight within 6 weeks and not to worry. Where did I get that shit? Where?

Better go to bed so I can get up early and drag myself out for a walk/jog....

It's been a long time, I shouldn'tna left you...

2007-07-21T11:44:00.000-04:00

...without a dope beat to step to.

So, I'm willing to bet that I now have ZERO readers. I've been working my ASS off with HateMail Greetings. I have quite a few brick-n-mortar shops carrying the cards and I'm marketing like hell to spread the love/hate. So, any support that anyone can offer is riduculously appreciated.

Mama's Day

2007-05-11T11:48:00.000-04:00

So.... it's gonna be my first 'real' Mother's Day this Sunday. I don't know how to feel about that. On one hand, I want a huge to-do.... breakfast in bed, massage, chauffering around town, y'know, typical Mother's Day fare. On the other hand, the kid's only 8.5 months old and I don't think he's quite mastered the stove or the toaster.

I'm not sure if John has plans or not. A couple weeks ago he asked me if I wanted anything and in a moment of weakness I stupidly replied, "Oh, just more time with you would be awesome."

{banging head on my desk}

I don't think he took me seriously because it looks like he wants to spend the day at HIS mom's working in her garden.

Good times.

So, in preparation for receiving nothing, I bought myself this:

It's from Etsy and the designer is SandySimone. It came all packaged in a nice, little wax-stamped box. I'll wear it proudly on Sunday.

Killing Me Softly

2007-04-28T20:44:00.000-04:00

The babe is not sleeping at night. I'm tired.

Last night was Friday night---this means that it's John's night to wrangle the midnight demon should he arise. Baby woke once around 3-something...maybe earlier... and proceeded to wail. I was particularly concerned because he's been fighting a fever for a day or two due to teething and I've been trying to keep a close eye on it. I heard John get up, say a few soothing words, take a temp and then mumble something about 'we're not bringing him back into bed with us anymore so I guess we should let him cry it out'. John prompty began snoring. The baby continued his pleading. I laid there for a few minutes trying to remember what all books say regarding this situation. Do I check on him every couple minutes and then leave it alone? Do I pick him up and rock him? Do I ignore him all together?

The problem with my monster is that if you go in to try that whole, 'give him some reassuring words and leave with progressively longer gaps in between' game, he knows he's winning. His shreik will hit monumental levels when you 'reassure' him and when you leave, you'd think someone or something was ripping off each and every one of his toes.

I fell into his trap.

I went in, rubbed his little sweaty head (from crying, not fever) and shhhh'ed him. Nothing. I held his little fingers. Nothing. I snuggled the sleep sheep next to his face so he'd think is was me (ummm, nice try,dumbass). Nothing. So I did what any tired, new mommy with no backbone at three-o-clock in the morning would do. I picked up Mr. SwollenEyes and brought him to the couch with me for some slumber, albeit shitty. He just thrust his tiny fingers into my hair, twirled it for a minute or two and was snoring. The little bugger WON!

So, I sit here, at 9:00p with my second cup of coffee trying to stay awake. John went out for a while with his friends (I was invited, too, but declined the invite due to lack of sitter-age. Besides, I wanted him to have fun with 'his' friends and get a chance to really hang with them. I've been so busy with work lately, it's nice to just be home for once) and this is my first night alone with the bebe since he was a week old. We had a bit of a tussle after his bath when he didn't want to go down for the night, but I stuck it out and I'm proud to say I won that battle. For now.

But I gotta say, that crying really does tear a little hole in my heart. Does it ever get easier? Will he ever sleep all night? Will I ever be a size two? Oh, sorry.....

On that note... I'm starting another BFL challenge tomorrow. Totally vanilla. I'm doing it to get ready for a prospective vacation in August and on Jack's one year birthday, I'd like to be something of a spectacle, thankyouverymuch. Still deciding on whether I want to submit photos and the official package. I suppose it wouldn't hurt, right? I could use a million or so bucks.

Come stalk...ummm.....visit me!

2007-04-23T11:26:00.000-04:00

If you choose to stop by and say hello, please be sure to bring me a coffee. I'll love you forever. Also, all blog-readers that come, be sure to print out or mention this coupon for $2.00 off of your package of six (6) HateMail or JunkMail cards:

Etsy's Down....

2007-04-22T14:20:00.000-04:00

....but I've still been workin'...

No witty title, yet again.

2007-04-16T22:55:00.000-04:00

Had a great night at the gym--- my client base keeps getting better and better as the days go. I'm trying to be careful, though, because I'm still working while on mat leave (working well under the provisions, thankyouverymuch), so I can't make too much cash. I think it's working out quite well. With the exception of the odd time that I have to go in without pay for meetings, I'm pretty happy. Tomorrow night's our Anniversary Party and I'll be working the hip-to-waist ratio booth. Yay... I get to measure bellies and bums and scare people into signing up with me.

Nutrition went pretty well today. Jack and I both enjoyed our steel-cut oats this morning. He seemed to really like it, which made figuring out what to feed him this morning pretty easy. He's like his mama, digs the healthy stuff. All in all, we had a pretty nice morning.

I can't believe how tired I am right now. I'm yawning and making a bunch of dumb spelling mistakes. I should just leave them all so you could get the effect.

What else, what else? There must have been more today.... No. I guess not. I did laundry, cleaned up, made the bed, did dishes, fed and entertained the babe.... I suppose that's it. I'll leave you all with that cliffhanger for now.

Back in the saddle.

2007-04-15T10:44:00.000-04:00

John wants another baby. Soon.

I asked him if the crack he was smoking was laced with something.

Let me just shake off that thought and move on to the next...

I've got some exciting things in the pipeline right now. A couple of those things, I can't reveal just yet (gawd, no---no babies in mah belly), but one fun thing is that my HateMail line is going to be in Royal Oak, Michigan on May 19th at the Main Art Theatre. I'm pretty excited about that. Especially since John's coming along, too. He's been a huge supporter of this venture and many of the really nasty quips are actually his doing. I swear, he's a bitter, gay man deep inside.

On another front... I've got another workout program starting tomorrow. It's going to be calorie-based and will last for 6 weeks. I want to test the calories-in/out theory along with moderate-internsity cardio and full-body weights 3 times a week. As usual, I'll be downing my gallon of water every day---and dutifully stocking my bathroom with entertaining magazines. I'm working on getting one of my favorite clients to sign up with me so that we can do it together... it'll be nice to finally get smaller with my clients as opposed to last year, when everyone was getting ripped and I was growing to monumental proportions.

I think that's it for today. I've got to work on a scrapbook for one of John's coworkers. The sweetheart handed it over to me months ago and I've only altered the cover and did one page. I swear, this Etsy thing is nutty and cult-ish at times for me. I must step away from the laptop. Must.

Sniff sniff snort

2007-04-09T22:11:00.000-04:00

Me 'n the babe have a cold. Poor thing. He just learned to babble 'dadadadadadadada' in the cutest voice and now he and I both are sniffling and hacking up lungs left and right.

I'm debating whether to keep my blog up or not. On one hand, it's nice to have a place for family and friends to see what's going on... on the other hand, I'm struggling with whether to keep my personal information plastered on the walls of the internet. Granted, if the internet were a school, then these walls would probably be on the inside of the janitor's closet near the orange puke-absorber-stuff.

Hmmmm.... what else? Ahhh... I passed my personal trainer certification for CanFitPro. Thank heaven seven eleven, letmetellyou. I read about a month ago about a dude posting that 'any monkey could pass that exam'. Well, I'd like to find him and swing a pink dumbbell across the bridge of his nose. It was pretty tough... but then again, it could be that I haven't take a test in a while. I was probably the oldest chick in there, too---which was kind of funny, actually. The nice thing is that now I know the difference between my brachialis and my brachioradialis. Whew, glad I studied for that.

Wow--- time flies when you're working your ass off.

2007-04-05T11:47:00.000-04:00

I'm back, y'all. I've probably lost all of my readership because of my schmucky posting. Hmmm .... if you love something set it free?

Things are awesome these days. The kid is finally fun - not a blob in a bouncer-chair and I'm back to running. The days are getting a wee bit warmer and I can almost get back into all of my prepregnancy clothes. Mind you, that 'almost' is about 2 sizes too small.

Fiery Irons

2007-03-08T22:24:00.000-05:00

So, here we are. I finally bit the bullet and I'm back to work. I was petrified about going back looking the way I do. I mean, c'mon. I'm a personal trainer. It takes a lot of pride-swallowing to go back to that kind of job with a solid forty pounds of padding on your ass. Luckily, I seem to have been missed and I've received about as warm a welcome as anyone could possibly dream.

Other things that have kept me from this lovely refuge is THIS. I'm completely addicted.

Update

2007-02-21T23:33:00.000-05:00

I'm still here.

This new Blogger is driving me nuts.

Google is driving me nuts.

Being home is driving me nuts.

I'm ovulating, it hurts..... and yes, it's driving me nuts.

Promise to update more frequently in the future and can someone suggest a really nice blog template that I could use? I HATE this one and I've been playing with the HTML and... you guessed it....it's driving me nuts. Could PMS come on this early?

2007-01-23T08:33:00.000-05:00

Oh. My. God.

So.

Sore.

Can't.

Type.

Worked chest, shoulders, tris last night and I really pushed it. So, when the kid got up at 2:19am because he wanted to TALK DIRECTLY INTO THE MONITOR I was in for a surprise when I got out of bed. It felt like both my arms didn't work...

I have a full day today of being out and about with le bebe. This includes hoisting the stroller in and out, too---don't know how this is going to work.

Next time you want to add some sugar to your morning cup o' joe, read this.

Coffee, Tea...

2007-01-15T18:44:00.000-05:00

I feel like I've been eating a lot today...even though when I look at my food diary, it doesn't show a ton of food. I think that my portions are a bit high/large and it's reflecting in my appetite. Also, I'm going to quit coffee creamer. Well, the regular kind, at least. I'm switching to half/half because of the whole deadly sugar/fat combination in creamers and my body seems to accept dairy fat a lot easier than sugar. Whenever I eat sugar, I get evil and I just feel out of control food-wise. So, I'm officially switching and I'll watch very carefully what it does to my weight and bodyfat %. If anything adverse happens, I'll switch to milk and then if I still have issues, I'll go to black coffee altogether.

On the food front, I made a kick-a$$ meatloaf yesterday with extra-lean beef, whole wheat bread crumbs and several serving's worth of thawed frozen spinach. It turned out AMAZING. I ate a piece for lunch today (and, ultimately, for dinner, too...) and I ate a whole can of green beans with it. I'm a big advocate of fresh vegetables but for some reason, frozen spinach and canned green beans crept into my menu----bad! But oh-so-good.

Tonight will be running on the treadmill---can't wait. I haven't had a good run in a while. I'm looking to do 30-45 minutes. I'll probably run for 30 and walk for 15 after on an incline.

Also, I have to order my certification papers for CanFitPro soon---as in ASAP. I'm certified in the States, but the gym that I work at doesn't recognize my US certification, so, I've gotta take the test through a different organization. No worries, I think it just makes me more marketable. This is another reason why I'm working so hard to transform my body---I want to show my clients my before and after photos and show them that I know EXACTLY what it's like to lose a large amount of weight. Heck, I did it before back in 2000 and maintained that loss until I got preggo with Jack. I can do it again, darnit!!! What's that line from the Million Dollar Man or Bionic Man, or something? "We can rebuild. We have the technology." ??? I'm probably butchering that quote...

2007-01-10T14:51:00.000-05:00

Meals:
1-oats, raisins, egg whites
---coffee with flavored creamer (sinful)
2-Kashi TLC bar
3-Chicken soup, 2 slices bread, single-serve can of tuna (lemon/dill-yum!)
4-cottage chs/grapes
5-Pork souvlaki, wheat noodles(half serving) & spinach pasta sauce w/ salad

Comes out to 1615, 40/33/28-c/p/f (in Fitday)

Workout:
45 minutes, intervals on elliptical

Had a Dr. appt today and they confirmed the carpal tunnel syndrome. BAH! In a foul mood. I refuse to take anything for it. No cortisone, steroids, etc. I'm going to see if I can do some self-treating naturally/herbally and see where I go from there. It's strangely comforting to have a diagnosis finally.

And another thing....

2007-01-09T09:37:00.000-05:00

Every time I hear someone say, "well, I'm going to 'try' and eat healthy", I think I'm gonna start singing, 'Y'all gon' make me lose my mind...up in here, up in here." How pathetic does that sound? Try? As far as I'm concerned, you've given up.

I'd step off of my soapbox, but Farnsworth Bentley hasn't shown up with my umbrella, yet.

Big Head Todd

2007-01-09T09:03:00.000-05:00

So far, so good. The more I read the BFFM book, the more excited and pumped I get about eating healthy and exercising. I'm particularly excited about not doing the BFL weight workouts for a while as they can get a bit tedious... I'm a much bigger fan of the straightforward approach: 8-12 reps for 2-3 sets with a fair bit of difficulty. That's how I train the majority of my clients and they generally see some pretty awesome results.

Food is clean for today:
1-oatmeal, walnuts, milk
2-cottage cheese, grapes
3-protein shake
4-chicken, br rice, peas
5-protein shake

Looks boring, but I'm a creature of habit and repetition when it comes to food. And I'm also going to be allowing 1-2 planned cheat meals per week. I haven't decided what or when just yet... For some reason, I see pizza in my future.....

Tonight's workout will be cardio with a full-body weight routine (chest, shoulders, back, tris, bis, quads, hams, calves and abs, oh my).

Today, I have to take Wacko Jacko to the hospital today for some testing. At his last pedi visit (last week), the doc said that his head was measuring a bit ginormous, so she wants us to go get a brain ultrasound today. I'm sure he's gonna love that. Deep down, I don't think there's a problem. Hub's got a sizeable melon and so do I.....we're just a very smart family.

100th Post!!!

2007-01-06T19:49:00.000-05:00

I'm done talking about labor/delivery and children for the moment...

I've been doing some reading (BFFM) and some number crunching in my head for realistic ways to hit my goals and I wanted to get it down somewhere I can reference it. So, with that being said, bear with me as I hash out the scary innards of my thought processes.....

My goal is to lose 30 lbs which roughly equates to about 105,000 calories

If I do one workout in the morning before babe and hub are up for the day....say, around 6:30/7:00-ish and do one, fairly easy cardio workout that burns 250 cals (for me, that would probably be about 25 minutes on the elliptical or something similar on the upright bike)....
AND, I do another workout in my evening 'ME' time between 7:30-9:00p at night----probably another cardio and weights session together that would equate another 500 calories....
That would put me at approx 750 cals for the day. If I continue that schedule for 6 days (I'd like to do 7, but let's be realistic, shall we?), then I would have a weekly caloric burn of 4500 calories from exercise alone.

Now, if we take a look at my BMR, which, according to the Katch-McArdle formula, is 1666 and then we look at my TDEE (total daily energy expenditure, factoring in a moderately active lifestyle-for the moment), which happens to be 2,582 calories, then we can look at how food consumption can play a role in my losses, too. If I consume approximately 1800 calories a day, I would be looking at a daily caloric deficit of approximately 780 cals. This would equate to a weekly caloric deficit of about 5,460. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm doing one of my calculations wrong or being redundant about something...

So, if I put those two calculations to work:
4500 cals burned from exercise alone in one week
5460 weekly caloric deficit based on BMR/TDEE
=9960, which equals 2.84 lbs loss per week

Obviously, this calculation will have to be revisited on a bi-weekly or monthly basis due to it's reliance upon current body weight, but theoretically, I could expect to lose my 30lbs in about 11 weeks (March 24th) and my ultimate loss of 45 lbs in 16 weeks (April 28th).

Granted, I understand that plateaus are a natural occurrence, but I do geeky stuff like this to psyche myself up and look at the big picture.

Okay, I feel better about getting that crap outta my head.

As for today, I'm taking it easy. AF came for a visit yesterday, and is making my life very hard. I'm foregoing the gym today cuz I'm just runnin' through the tampons (heh, heh...you're the one who wanted to read this journal...).

'Tis all for now. Tomorrow's plan is to hit the gym once in the evening, probably around 6:00p or 7:00p and maybe do some cardio. I'm going to flip through some of my workout plans and develop one for the remainder of the month---I'll post what I'm doing tomorrow.
Ciao for now~

Part III

2006-12-17T20:40:00.000-05:00

I don’t remember much of the process that followed directly after. I just kind of let the Gravol do it’s thing and rested in and out of consciousness. John held the baby and I know I looked at him (the baby) a couple times---almost in a ‘is this real?’ kind of fashion. I was wheeled into recovery and the baby was weighed, 7 lbs, 1 oz. Tiny! Totally not the 9-pounder the doctor was promising. The doula helped me get breastfeeding started (he latched like a champ) and I just kind of laid there while I slowly gained feeling in my toes.

The hospital stay in and of itself was fabulous. Every nurse was wonderful and had her own words of wisdom or just some new spin on doing things. I was just shocked at how much pain I was in afterwards. When I got settled into my room for the night, the nurse said that she wanted me to try and go to the bathroom. Huh? She said the only way that I was getting the catheter taken out was if I went to the bathroom. So, I, very slowly, brought my legs over the side of the bed and ever-so-gently tried to stand up. Nope. Tried again. Umm, no. It took about 4 or 5 tries, each one with significant effort, before I was able to even stand clutching the IV pole. I made my trip to the bathroom and was yet again amazed at how easy it was for me to let someone help me onto the toilet and stay there while I pee. The nurse showed me how to use that awesome spray bottle-thing and helped me up. I still can’t believe how difficult it was to do things as simple as getting in the hospital bed, let alone trying to get comfortable once you’re in.

I don’t think I slept more than 4 hours during my entire 3-day stay. My husband will attest to this one hundred percent. I constantly slept with the baby all swaddled up next to me in the hospital bed. I just wanted to be near him. During the first night and day, I couldn’t get up and out of bed that easily, so if the baby was hungry or needed changing, John had to change him or bring him to me. I don’t think that it affected the bonding process in the beginning---we really didn’t have much of a bonding process at all. At the C-section, I didn’t really get to see him until John had his claws on him and during the stay, I was only able to get him while he cried for the breastmilk that I didn’t have. I think that’s why I just wanted to stay up with him so much while people slept. That was our time and it was the only time I think I really felt like his mom.

...continued...

2006-12-07T23:12:00.000-05:00

So the pit drip starts and I’m thinking, ‘hmmm, not so bad, yet.’ I’ve heard that pit contractions are completely different than regular contractions, so I promised myself that I wouldn’t beat myself up if I got an epidural. By about 12:00p-1:00p, the contractions were coming pretty regular and intense and I asked John to call the Doula to have her come and do her thang for me. At this point, I still thought there might be hope for a natural birth. She brought her little boombox and I think some Enya or something…. I’m a little fuzzy on that. Since the doctors had already broken my water, I was wearing a lovely thong made out of an adult diaper that made my 220lb body look exquisite. Doula-lady had me get on the birthing ball through my contractions and let me tell you, I’m not a fan of that at all. I found that if I sat in a chair facing John (him in a chair as well) that I could keep my legs on either sides of the chair and kind of run in place. I’m sure it looked hilarious and I can’t believe that John kept a straight face.

This goes on for a while (30 minutes was apparently a ‘while’ for me at that point) and then the nurse comes in and checks me. Hmmm. I’m, like, 2.5 cm dilated or some other crap like that. Right about now I’m gripping the handrails of the bed and counting through the contractions pretty loudly. I noticed that they pretty much tapered off after two sets of ‘ten’ and being a personal trainer, counting to ten is something I can do with the best of ‘em. This was working pretty well until I they upped the pit drip. I kept telling them that it seemed to be working just fine and to lay the hell off, but the nurses nod their head as you hear the beep-beep-beeping of the machine being increased from ‘this hurts pretty fuckin’ badly’ to ‘I’ll pay you to kill me’. So, in the spirit and praise of modern medicine, I decide to get me some of that Happy Gas.

They bring the machine up to the room and I can hear the nurses fidgeting with the tank and whispering, “I don’t know, do you think it’s working now?” One of the nurses handed the mask to me and told me to “…breathe in and tell me if you think it’s working.” What? Bitch, bring your face really close…. I declined politely, I think and told THEM to let ME know if it was working. When I heard them page the technician, I knew I was in trouble. Nurse checks me and I’m still sitting somewhere around a small 3.

I think that if you even allow the NOTION of the POSSIBILITY of having an epidural, the odds of you getting one are pretty high. When you’re lying there writhing in pain and you know that there’s someone, somewhere, who can take it all away for you, it crosses your brain a couple times……and I just wasn’t in the mood to try and stick it out. I did the unthinkable and called for the anaesthesiologist to come and shoot ma’ poor spine with as many drugs as he could pile in there. Initially, when I spoke with my husband and met with the Doula, I let them know that if I said, “I don’t think I can do this”, that was their sign to tell me that I really could get through it and to cheer me on. Well, I must not have put it that way because not one person questioned my judgement or decision. I was also swearing up, down, left and right that I would NEVER, EVER have another child. I mean, I was staring poor John in the eyeballs and it was coming from the very bottom of my soul’s core. This is it, buddy. Pack it up and call us a family.

So the epi guy comes and he’s less than pleasant. He had absolutely no time for niceties. Mind you, even when I’m this pained, I’m still polite with a bit of dark humour (see how I keep messin’ up my U.S. way of spelling things…..bah!) thrown in for good measure. This guy wasn’t having any of it. At one part in the game, I let him know that I was having a contraction and I think he said something like ‘Oh, well’, or ‘ too bad’ or some such pleasantry. That fucking thing hurt more than anything I’ve ever felt or imagined. I’m not a screamer, and I don’t remember which part of the procedure he was at, but while I was counting through my contraction, I SCREAMED ‘7’ like my insides just burst out of every orifice of my body. Literally, blood curdling.

After they injected me with the sweet, sweet poison, the epi guy practically ran out of the room and they let John back in---I think my mom might have been there at this point, too. I was telling the nurse how much better I felt and I don’t know if it was in the way I asked for the gummy bear, or what, but next thing I know, the nurse is hovering over my head, asking me the kinds of questions you ask people when they faint or go unconscious. “Carol, what’s the baby’s middle name going to be! Carol! Look at me, Carol! Talk to me….” Apparently, my body couldn’t handle the initial onslaught of drugs and my blood pressure tanked. I hate taking medicine, which is why I wanted to go natural in the first place, so when the nurse puts the oxygen mask on my face and starts threatening to shoot me up with ephedrine-more medicine, I started sucking oxygen in like I was on a downward-spiralling plane. I think it was something like, “I’m fine (deep breath), look (deep breath), I’m fine (deep breath).”

I start to come to and everyone in the room looks a lot less tense and worried. After about 15 minutes of pure painlessness, I noticed that I was getting some bizarre, achy, pain-ish kinds of feelings and I thought that it could be the catheter. They check the catheter, take it out, put another one in and I’m still having the pain…pretty regularly…. like a contraction. I get checked again, still sittin’ around a 3 and it’s determined that the epidural needs to be topped up----already? They bring a specialist in to give me a half dose because they’d rather not kill me today. They watch me and I seem to handle the half dose okay….but I’m still having contractions. Around now, the baby’s heartbeat has slowed down dramatically a few times and they’ve even lost it a couple times. Every time the nurse checks me, Jack’s still way high and I’m still only 3 cm dilated. One time, when they lost the heart rate, they made everyone leave and started flipping me around this way and that. They were even paging the doctor…. Scary. They give me one more epidural top-up, I’m still practically spitting fire with pain, and then the doctor comes in. He checks me, sits down next to me and tells me that he thinks that the baby is posterior and for some reason, he won’t come down and I won’t dilate. He also said that since the epi doesn’t seem to be working and we keep having such huge dips in the heartrate, I should get in for a C-section. I don’t care. I’m not having fun. I just want this stupid day to be over with.

I get wheeled into the OR hallway and I’m still having some pretty amazing contractions even though the machine has been shut off for a while. My body just seemed to take over and keep going. They had me in the hallway, by myself for quite a while. When they wheeled me into the OR itself, it took the anaesthesiologist another 30-ish minutes to get there. The whole time, I breathin’ and countin’ like my life depends on it. I begged my doctor to give me something so that I don’t puke (have I mentioned my deep, deep obsession with the fear of throwing up----emetophobia---yes, it’s really a psychological fear-Google it, kids), he gives me a bunch of Gravol (Canadian Dramamine, I think) and then the spinal guy shows up. He seemed super-nice and you couldn’t ask for someone to be more patient. He told me that I didn’t look like a ‘Carol Lee’ and I told him that my husband is Korean. His eyes lit up from behind his mask and he chanted, “We’re having a Korean baby today!”. I had to sit on the edge of the table for him to work the spinal block and he kept telling me to stick my back out---I kept telling him that I was. He mentioned that that was the reason why the epi didn’t work. My spine just doesn’t stick out the way it’s supposed to. The whole time, I’m hugging this poor nurse asking her to lie to me and tell me that he’s almost done. It didn’t hurt much, but the waves of contractions weren’t exactly tickling.

When he finished, they helped to lie me down and the spinal guy said, “Now you’re gonna love me!” By the time I was placed on my back and they had my hands Velcro-ed down, something felt wrong. I couldn’t breathe. I started panicking and while on my back, frantically looked up and behind me at the spinal guy. It felt EXACTLY like I was trapped underwater with only a quarter-sized pocket of air to stay alive. I was screaming at him with my eyes and could only get out: “Breathe. Can’t. Breathe. Help.” He said I was fine and to try and relax. Relax? What? I’m DYING!!! Right about now is when they let John in and I was so relieved because if anyone would know I was dying and be able to help, surely it would be John. I imagined that he would look at me in a Lassie-type of understanding----“What’s wrong, girl… trapped in a well?….. down by the creek?…”----and be able to know something wasn’t right and make it better. I looked at him and tried to convey grave danger in my eyes. “Can’t. Breathe. Dying. Help.” He just looks at the spinal guy---who of course says I’m fine--- and then holds my hand. What the fuck, people? So, I give up on John and start my crazy-eyes diatribe with the nurse, who also looks at the spinal guy, who also tells her that everything’s just fine. They raise up the table a couple inches thing that it will make me feel better. It doesn’t. I’m dying. I decide this is it and that it’s the end. I make a silent promise to myself that I’ll spend the rest of my ghostly days haunting the shit out of this anaesthesiologist.

Before I know it, I hear a baby screaming, the spinal guy tells me I should be able to breathe better now that the baby’s out. I can feel my neck and the upper part of my chest now and I can take a few shallow, but deeper, breaths. I look over to my left and there’s this little screaming thing by the warmer. All I see is a mouth yelling. He’s pink and he looks perfect. I’m just so happy that he’s perfect. John was the first person to hold the baby and brought him close to my face. The spinal guy----who apparently had no idea what an unnecessarily thorough numbing job he did----tells me I can touch my baby and un-Velcros my left arm and pulls it across my face to the right side to touch the baby and walks away. My arm is stuck there, lying across my face like a dead fish. Ahhh….this is the life.
…to be continued…

Crawling out from under my Paxil cloud of doom

2006-10-28T11:49:00.000-04:00

Ha--- no, I'm not on Paxil..... but I *did* feel like that commercial with the rain cloud following the rock.

Wow----it’s been a long time. Where to start? From the beginning, I suppose.

On August 25th I woke up to a wonderful discovery, my foley popped out! The doctors the day before told me that if it popped out on it’s own, then that meant my cervix was dilated to at least a 2 and it would make labour much easier if I was already a bit dilated. So I go running around the house, huge and pantless, trying to find John and tell him the news. I called the hospital at 7:00a and asked what time we should come in for the induction and was promptly told that THEY would call ME when they had a bed ready and that should be in about an hour or so. It’s like Christmas morning and your gift is sitting right there and you kinda know what it is and it’s something that you really, really, really want and when you open it it’s going to hurt like a sonofabitch and you want to get it over with (ahhh, me, the queen of the run-on sentence.)

After I hadn’t heard from the hospital by 9:00-ish, I called John’s friend, who just so happens to be a labour/deliv. nurse and asked her when we could expect to come in. Since we live about 35-40 minutes away from the hospital, she said to just start getting ready, have a bite to eat and head in now because by the time we get there, a room should be available. The entire ride to the hospital was filled with ‘Can you believe this is the last time it will be just the two of us?’-type of conversation and a whole bunch of good old-school rap blaring in the speakers. It was a fun trip…

We got to the hospital a little after 10:00a and by the time we were checked in, settled and I was receiving my pit drip, it was about 11:30a. A far cry from the 6:45a check in that we were originally told would happen.

…to be continued…

Random pics.

2006-09-08T15:38:00.000-04:00

Random pics for family and friends....also, birth story should be up this weekend as will my weightloss plan.

Hi. Part II

2006-09-02T19:34:00.000-04:00

Details of Jack's birth will be forthcoming..... and they're not for the faint of heart.

Hi.

2006-08-30T10:56:00.000-04:00

Jackson Sungshil Lee

August 25th, 2006

8:48p

7lbs, 1oz

20 inches

Things that are fun.

2006-08-24T19:04:00.000-04:00

Things that are fun:

1. Going to an amusement park and riding the roller coasters
2. Shopping and getting a great deal
3. Eating ice cream or a really good brownie (with walnuts, of course)
4. Working on a craft project and having it come out perfectly
5. Playing with puppies and kittens

Things that aren't fun:

1. Getting a cervical Foley catheter.

Ick. Double-ick.

Went to the hospital today wishin' and hopin' that I was already dilated to 2cm because then I wouldn't have to get the Foley. Met with the OB nurse who also happens to be John's friend's wife. We chatted for a while and had a generally good time. I was brought into the 'procedure room' for the actual, ummm, procedure and the doc was pretty awesome. He checked me out and I was a ginormous 1.5cm--bah. At least I progressed half a centimeter.... Anyway, the procedure itself was really no big deal, felt just like a regular gynecological exam. The fun began when the doc said that was a little bit of bleeding on my uterus or cervix or whatever and that he was going to wipe it off with a cotton swab---ugh. Not nice.

Thanked the doc and proceeded back to triage for monitoring and then all hell started to break loose. The nurse said it was normal for a little bit of cramping to happen and that it would taper off after a little while. Well, I had some steady 'cramps' (they were contractions in my book) that were coming about every five minutes and then progressed to every two minutes. They were pretty painful and reminded me of a severe menstrual cramp and the need to poo with a giant gas bubble all at the same time. The pain radiated to my lower back for a while and every time I got a good one, John would hold my hand.

We swung off and got some Chinese food because I was StArViNg like you wouldn't believe (I waited in the car while he ran in) and proceeded to head home. I was only able to eat if I stood up because the pain seemed to be a lot less intense if I was standing. Laid down for a while amd then the intervals went from every two minutes, to five minutes to ten, to twelve and so on until they pretty much died completely.

I'm good right now. Going to the bathroom is interesting because I have a tube hangin' out of my hoo-ha. I have to sit gingerly because the feeling of the tube moving is just a little bit off-putting for me.

I still can't believe that I'm going to have a baby tomorrow. The nurse is trying to swing it so that we can get in really early since there are only 3 inductions scheduled in our wing of the hospital. She seems to think that we'll be able to spit the little bugger out within 8 hours. One can hope, right?

Current worries:

1. I'm going to puke at some point
2. The baby will be missing/will have some malformation of some vital organ/body part
3. I'll need a C-section
4. I'm going to puke at some point

We should be discharged Sunday if all goes well. I'll try to update sometime around then...

Push 'em out, push 'em out, waaaaaaaaaay out!

Not yet.

2006-08-23T08:02:00.000-04:00

I can't even count how many people called yesterday asking if I had the baby and every answer was, "No, not yet." I'm starting to despise the phone and if my mom asks one more time how Jackson is, I'm going to lose it completely. I don't know how he is. I'm assuming fine. Right now he's just like really weird gas.

One of my clients thought that yesterday would be my day. My mother-in-law thinks that today is the day (it's her birthday) I think the day will be Friday when they start my pitocin drip.

Not too too much to say today. The kitchen island is just about finished. John did the routering on the last piece and mistakenly left the router bit too long and it made a NASTY drag along the outside edge of the countertop.... not good. You could compare it to spending all day and night washing your car only to take the last swipe with the cloth and realize that there was a piece of glass or rock in it and leave a horrible mark. Hmmmm, that's a terrible analogy. I'll think of something better later.

Rethoughts

2006-08-20T22:11:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to rethink this whole induction thing. Jack's original due date (according to LMP) should be about August 27th, although after three ultrasounds, it was deemed that he was actually due on the 18th. Soooooo..... if I stick with my gut, he should really be making his appearance this coming weekend-ish or the following week naturally. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, yet. I'm DYING to meet him, but at the same time, I don't want to rush something I maybe shouldn't.

In other news, I made a shelf unit for the kitchen island that John and I are making. I was having a tough time getting down on my hands and knees in the garage/workshop to swing the hammer or use the drill, but I got it done and it looks AWESOME. Some reno kitchen pics are sure to be posted by this weekend..... unless I have my hands full with the kiddo. One can wish, right?

Postcards from the womb. 40 weeks, 2 days.

2006-08-20T12:50:00.000-04:00

"I've decided I REALLY like it in here! My mom feeds me all the ice cream and brownies I want! Isn't that awesome??? I heard her tell my dad that she was going to start eating healthier after I came out so I think I should stick around a little bit longer. Oh, I think I might have messed everthing up yesterday, though. I was playing around and I might have kicked out that plug thing. I've been trying to plug it back up, but it's not working. So, I might have to come out this week or next if I can't get this darn thing fixed. Any ideas on how to fill a hole? "

In the thick of things.

2006-08-19T09:07:00.000-04:00

Had my doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon and we're both still here. The doctor did his little internal exam and all was well until the very end of the exam when it felt like he tried to create another centimeter's worth of dilation. All in all, I'm only 1cm dilated and "...very thick." The doctor asked if I wanted to schedule another appointment for next Friday and to be honest, neither John, nor I, want to continue this cruel joke of existence. Don't get me wrong, being pregnant was great for the first eight and a half months. This last month has been less than fun and I'd like to be done, thank you.

So, since John's got school starting back up in early September, we opted for induction. The doctor assured us that we might still go into labour before then, but reminded me, again, that I was "thick." We reviewed and signed the consent forms and agreed to an induction this coming Friday. Apparently, I have to go in on Thursday to get a Foley and then get induced on Friday. I'm not so sure about this catheter thing so I've got more research to do. The cool thing is that I think the exam yesterday got some action happening in my nether regions.... I may have lost my mucous plug. We're still crossing our fingers and praying to go about this whole thing completely naturally so we'll be trying all of the tricks of the trade to make it happen.

Since the induction might happen, I've opted to root for the epidural team. I have absolutely no desire to fight Pitocin that's being pumped into my body. If I go into labour naturally, then I'm definitely trying for a completely natural birth. I figure it's my own body's functions and I'd much rather test my will and stamina with myself than with an artificial means.

So that's it. At the very most, I have one more week to go before I meet this little guy. Now if only I wasn't so thick..... story of my life.

40 Weeks

2006-08-18T10:52:00.000-04:00

No picture. Just imagine the same thing from the last post....just with more crabbiness. Nah, in all seriousness, I'm in a CRAZY good mood today. Super-energetic and just generally happy.

Doc appt today with a complimentary internal exam. Ummmm...yay?

When I woke up J this morning, he rolled over and with eyes closed and said, "I had a dream you had the baby, but it was twin boys. I was thrilled. The first one was big and strapping and healthy. The second one was tiny and he was my favorite."

I don't think I've laughed that hard in a long time. Nice way to wake up.

39 Weeks, 3 days

2006-08-14T19:34:00.000-04:00

My mom is a cornball. She wanted me to pose for her in a sheet so being a good, little daughter, I did just that.

Blah.

2006-08-12T21:38:00.000-04:00

Feeling like poo today. Shall I bore you with my life? I shall.

I fell asleep on the couch last night and John claims to have tried to get me up a couple times to come to bed with him and watch a TV show that I like (Most Haunted...--Canadian Television--). I only remember him turning off the lamp in the living room and that was it. I snuggled back up into the couch and continued to snooze away. The couch has become a strange thing to me lately. It started out as the best place in the world to get a good night's sleep. I could let my butt sink into the middle cushion division and it supported my belly quite well. I could even sleep on my back because of the whole butt-sinking dynamic as it kept me in a sort of semi-reclined position. Now, while I can still sleep well on the couch, getting off and back onto it is becoming something of an event. I think I pull a stomach muscle each time I try to hoist myself up and each time I try to lay back down. The fact that I can't get comfortable ANYWHERE is really starting to piss me off.

On to my day today... did up some morning dishes, had a bit of breakfast and since the weather is lovely, decided to tend the front garden for a bit. I haven't tamed my ivy sculpture-things out front in quite a while so I tackled those, then I went on to do a tiny bit of weeding. And by tiny bit, I mean tiny bit. Once the whole bending-over thing stopped working for me, I came inside the Florida room (yes, we live in Canada and have a Florida room) and helped John stain the cabinet doors for the master bathroom. We've got pretty good ventilation (fans on and windows open) happening in there so the fumes were super-minimal.

After the staining, I started on a crock-pot recipe that I've been meaning to try. When I was in the ravenous craving phase of my pregnancy, I ripped a recipe out of a magazine from the doctor's office for pulled pork. I don't know why I NEEDED that recipe bad enough to rip it out of a magazine that didn't belong to me.... but, I remember the sheer satisfaction of having it tucked in my purse while I waited for the doctor.

After the cooking, I decided that I needed to spray-paint something. I don't know what it is these days with me and spray painting everything I can get my hands on. I think it has something to do with not needing to open a flippin' can of paint, find a brush, tape off the edges (which never seems to matter for me anyway....I'm THAT bad...) and all that jazz. I had a large fake-wood mirror that I've been wanting to 'bring new life to' so I lugged that outside and put a few coats on. Then, I rabidly wandered the house for more to paint. I found some light switch covers, a couple tin cans and a wooden picture frame. Yes, it really is a disorder.

Decided I was tired of painting so I came in, showered and cleaned up a little bit inside. I dyed and plucked my eyebrows and did some dishes. Now, I'm having some strange pressure/stabbing pain whenever I stand and walk around. When I sit, I'm all good-but, when I walk around, YOW!

These are the days of our lives, folks.

What does a baby look like if...

2006-08-10T13:42:00.000-04:00

....it's made from kimchi, rice and meuslix cereal? Should be interesting.

A woman's work is never done.

2006-08-08T18:02:00.000-04:00

Almost finished with Jack's room with the exception of a really crappy paint job that I did on the closet (apparently, you need to primer wood before you paint it---BAH!).

Here's a broad view of the room itself:

And since I have an abnormal fascination with the ceiling fan, here's another one:

My made-up changing area. Bought the change pad from Ikea and covered it with a pillowcase. That way, I can just switch around the pillowcase and toss it in the washer. I'll probably switch to plain, white pillowcases for the ease in bleaching:

Close-up of his ADORABLE bedding (shower gift):

Gotta love the sheer curtains from Ikea. I slaved over our bedroom curtains-picking out the right fabric for way too much money, sewing, ironing, swearing, sewing again, swearing some more. Then, you walk into Ikea and there are pre-sewn curtains for $6.99/pr. I tell ya, there are just some things I'd rather buy...

Another homemade frame mat with a picture frame I painted yesterday:

My collage of Target frames:

The chair that I would like replaced with a rocking recliner, but I'll suffer for now...

Artsy Fartsy

2006-08-08T11:34:00.000-04:00

And here are the floral arrangements I made for the shower as centerpieces...

Back in the saddle.

2006-08-08T11:06:00.000-04:00

Woke up this morning and decided the nutritional debauchery needed to cease. I was planning on not really paying attention to protein/carb/fat ratios until the kiddo came, but I've since rethought my game plan. I want to make sure that this last week (and a half???) is filled with plenty of energy-sustaining nutrients and that I'm ready for my next marathon---labour.

I'm going to be sticking with the basic BFL principle. My only adjustment will be that I'm not planning on doing too much in FitDay and I'll probably end up with something more like a 50/30/20 plan in the end-which is A-O.K. with me right now. After the babe arrives, I'll probably switch it up to the more rigid 40/40/20 and keep the carbs ultra-clean; but for now, I'm just trying to make a transition (which, in the end, should make the flip to 40/40/20 easier in a few weeks).

With that said, breakfast was whole-wheat toast and hard-boiled eggs. I actually pondered the thought of pouring a stew-pot of Honeycomb cereal and vegging out in front of the TV for a few hours, but I was strong and boiled me some eggs, instead.

Lots to do today. I need to straighten up the house for tomorrow's mini-baby-shower with John's friend's wives, put up some artwork in Jack's room, clean up my office a bit and then do a little laundry. For the art in Jack's room, I bought a 10-pack of frames from Target and made some homemade mats to fit inside. I tried to make the mats interesting enough so that if I put them on the wall by themselves (without pics), they would still have some artistic insterest. I think they came out smashing...

38 Weeks

2006-08-05T08:10:00.000-04:00

Hmmmm..... every post has been pregnancy-related. Sorry about that---I'll get more fitness-minded soon. I promise (fingers crossed behind my back because you know the next phase is going to be all about the monster.)

Here's some sexy photos for you to print out and give to the men (or women) in your life as a present. Maybe have them framed and gift-wrapped.

My skin has been looking like that for quite a while now---stretched tight as a drum and looking as though ten thousand stretch marks are going to strike at any time---but they don't. I only have a few on either side of my bizarro belly button and those aren't really that menacing. I think it might have something to do with the vitamins and flaxseed that I take (not to mention the fact that I've already been this weight before-sans baby-and already stretched my skin out). I never took the prenatal-bad mommy-I just kept with my supplemental regimen of flaxseed, a B100 complex, a multi, and the occassional calc/mag. I've never had a problem with energy until now. However, the more I think about my dipping energy levels, the more I think it has something to do with the fact that all of the MAJOR renovations around the house are done and I can finally relax and take all those freakin' naps that every, single goddamned newsletter keeps telling me to take.

Lost in translation

2006-08-04T07:08:00.000-04:00

What they tell you: "You really carry all over, don't you?"

What it means: "Wow, girl. You sho' nuff' get fat when you're knocked up."

Bored

2006-08-03T17:34:00.000-04:00

But there's SO much to do! I'm currently sneaking a cup of coffee while the hubby is in the garage spray-painting something for me. I've done REALLY well up until this past week when it comes to not needing the assistance of others. Unless it was a particularly dangerous task or something that weighed more than I did (ha---nothing weighs more than me now), I was able to manage on my own. I HATE asking for help with something that I can normally take on. I would have to say that that's been the hardest part about being pregnant for me. Here I am with time off of work for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE and what am I doing with it? Doing dishes five-at-a-time because it makes my back hurt. BLAH!

Which brings me to the spray-painting. I was trying to take a nap this afternoon when it occurred to me all of the things that I could be doing besides laying there. It's a wierd feeling for me to have the body tired but the mind racing. So, I thought of the jewelry that I could be making, the cabinets I could be organizing, the paper-piecing I could be doing (notice they're all fairly stationary tasks that require very little of me physically). What do I decide to do? Refinish/spray paint an old bedside table! This requires me to waddle my VERY large body out to the garage-in my pajamas-lugging a pretty heavy piece of furniture whilst I don a makeshift face mask made of a handkerchief. John just looks at me with that "now what?" look on his face and tells me to put down the spray paint and slowly back away. I assure him that all is good and that I can handle it. I put on my protection, a-la bank robber, and proceed to spray paint and let me tell you, that shit stinks. I kept taking breaks every 15 seconds or so to get some fresh air but that was getting a little bit tiring so I sulked back into the house in my little piggy pajama pants to cook up some food. When I went back out to the garage, JJ was furiously painting it for me. While I appreciate it, it almost bothers me. I just want to start a project and finish it, dammit! Is that so much to ask for?

Baby Jackson, you are EVICTED. Get out now!

Oh, by the way, we have a middle name for the monster.... Samuel. It's based on a Korean word or saying meaning 'water of the well', which sounds a lot better than well-water. I thought Jackson Samuel had a nice ring to it an then I realized it's Samuel L. Jackson's name backwards. This kid's gonna be so ridiculed---by me. However if Mr. Samuel L. Jackson keeps making movies like this, I may not have to worry about anyone teasing my kid by the time he's in grade school because his career will vanish.

I feel pretty, oh-so-pretty...

2006-08-03T10:34:00.000-04:00

Thirty-eight weeks pregnant and.....

I'm still pregnant.
I'm getting crabby.
I feel like a moose.
The bed shakes when I try to turn over in the middle of the night.
My husband snores like a wildebeest and this has driven me to the couch most nights.
I have spider veins (on my left leg only thank-you-very-much).
I have five stretch marks on my lower belly that I can't see without the aid of a mirror.
I can't shave my left leg without attempting to use my left hand.
I have cellulite just above my knees.
Drying my legs off after a shower is challenging.
When I drop something on the floor, I leave it there.
I can't reach across the kitchen counter because I have too much stomach.
I take naps (--shudder--).
I am not making any attempt to thwart cravings-I eat whatever the hell I want.
Walking up the stairs from the basement causes me to wheeze.

Now where did I put my Lindt chocolate balls?

Sucker for a deal

2006-07-13T09:51:00.000-04:00

Scored this for $18.99 at a KMart in Utica or something like that. If you go to FatWallet and do a search on this bargain, you might be able to snag one, too.

I don't know if they're getting rid of the model, or what... It goes for $100.00 everywhere else and it's SWEET!

Sweet freedom

2006-07-03T18:14:00.000-04:00

So this is how the other half lives.

I'm finally DONE with work. I feel like 10 cinder blocks have been lifted off of my shoulders and I can breathe again. Wait, I CAN'T breathe because the monster is squishing my lungs. Oh well, the breaths that I can take are quite wonderful.

For the last few days, I've been gutting and redecorating my office at home. I can't believe how long it took for me to rearrange one room. We ended up going to Ikea twice ( I heart Ikea) and I think I'm almost completely content with the end result. I realized, though, that I simply have way too much shit. More shit than anyone should have. I have shit from the online scrapbooking business and more shit from the jewelry-making biz (which I hope to revive soon). I'm now on the hunt for a nice bookcase to store all of my shit and do away with the portable plastic drawers that are staring at me----ick.

Tomorrow we start the kitchen reno and that oughtta be interesting. I'll do some before and afters to complete the effect. The plan is to replace the floor and countertops, as well as the appliances. We're going from electric to gas, so I'm sure there'll be hangups aplenty.

Hmmm... that's all for now. Jack's moving like crazy these days and sometimes it just stops me dead in my tracks. I'll be walking along and then BAM---feels like a foot is going to pop through my belly button. The other thing I've really noticed with him is his affinity for the left side of my abdomen. Does anyone know why babies do this? I'll have to do some Googling...

Last day

2006-06-29T11:48:00.001-04:00

I've almost made it. I'm sitting at my (well, not really mine) desk and I have absolutely no intention of doing any type of work whatsoever. This is the best day ever... actually, I bet tomorrow's gonna be pretty sweet.

More later~

Oh. My. God.

2006-06-27T09:22:00.000-04:00

Could two days go by any slower?

For Antejay---32nd week

2006-06-20T20:21:00.000-04:00

This is me in all my Chunkerella glory. I picked the picture with my eyes closed because it was actually better than the open-eyed one (my face gets super crooked when I'm trying to look serious). Besides the occasionally mind-numbing leg cramp and the feeling that there's a 40 lb. sack of potatoes strapped to my stomach, I feel pretty good. The whole 'fat' issue is starting to wear on me, though. The backfat/bra-hang is amazing and my thighs have taken on quite the upholstered appearance. But, with all the grossness, there's a little monster kicking me as I type this and all is good with my world.

Getting close!

2006-06-11T12:43:00.000-04:00

Jack's room before:

Notice the lovely 70's-style ceiling fixture. That sucker's comin' down in a quickness:

And now the finished product. After a heck of a lot of drywall, primer, paint, trim, trips to the hardware store....

Apparently, I need a laser level when it comes to putting letters on the wall... c'mon, it's supposed to look whimsical.

I go to work.....

2006-05-21T13:38:00.000-04:00

The exciting world of knocked-up Phitlee.....

As soon as we brought the crib into the house :

I've got the mattress/frame/thingie set up:

And now the sidepieces:

And voila! Aren't I talented?

The only real problem here is the fact that in this picture, it's sitting in my office. After measuring, it doesn't look like it's going to make an easy entrance into kiddo's room. I'll contact the manufacturer and see if they'll add: "Only assemble in the room that you're going to use it in, dumbass."

I can't think of a witty title.

2006-05-18T08:05:00.000-04:00

It's 8:00a and I'm sitting in my office with the door closed making sales calls (have I mentioned how much I despise my job?). I hear Head-Honcho walk in and say to another employee in the hallway, "Is Carol here? The alarm's turned off and the lights are on."

This wouldn't be a big deal if my car weren't parked DIRECTLY in front of the building (yeah, I'm taking up prime customer parking-what's it to ya? I'm pregnant, I'm big, get used to it---[We're here, We're queer, Get used to it]). She had to walk past it to get in the door---AND---she changed my start time to 7:00a.

So, let's recap:

Carol starts at 7:00a
Her car is parked directly in front of the building
The lights are on
The alarm is turned off

Where's Carol?

Maybe she should start watching more Law & Order SVU to sharpen her investigative skills.

Mother's Day

2006-05-17T11:55:00.000-04:00

Had an awesome Mother's Day. I wasn't really expecting anything, but J gave me a card with a picture of a Kangaroo on the front looking into it's pouch saying, "KNOCK IT OFF! Don't make me come in there!" Inside the card, he said it was from "both of us". Really, really sweet.

Another day, another dime....

2006-05-12T14:34:00.000-04:00

Please keep in mind that these are ACTUAL quotes:

Boss: We're going to have to re-image your computer this afternoon. Is that okay with you?

Me: What is re-imaging?

Boss: You don't need to know that-it's not important.

Me: Well, I guess it's okay, then?

Honestly.

My perspective is this.... I only have 34 more working days left to put up with this. Hmmm....that actually doesn't really make me feel better now that I see it in writing. It would be easier to consume if it was like 11 or 12 or 2.

Consistency isn't one of my finer qualities

2006-05-10T08:48:00.000-04:00

I always say that I'm going to start posting more, but never do. So, I'm going to try some reverse psychology on myself and say that I'm NEVER going to post again. Maybe I'll start posting every hour on the hour. (?---Don't ask what really goes on in my brain.)

Big shout-out to my Iron Mountain Girl for telling peeps about my little space on the internet. It's nice to feel like I can somehow be linked up with some of the people who made life there bearable....

So, life is going very good lately. It's getting hard to tie my shoes and put my socks on. I was complaining to J-Love on Saturday that I can't even clip my own toenails without contorting into bizarre positions---so the little stinker offered to give me a pedicure. ? Who am I to decline a $30 savings? So, I hauled out the pedi tools, grabbed a selection of polish and laid it all out for him. He was so funny..... he very carefully, and gently clipped, trimmed and filed each little piggy and then all hell broke loose. He chose a polish color---a nice, milky/creamy/pink and proceeded to do the most bizarre paint job on my toes. It was probably one of the funniest things I've ever seen. As we girls know, in order to paint a nail, you need to give one, good, solid swipe down the center and then two or three down the sides. Homeboy was swiping left and right, front and back. I'm now stuck wearing closed toe shoes for the next couple weeks (he offered to do them every two weeks for me and promised to get better..... yes, he really can be that wonderful-despite all the mean things I say about him...)

I hate stupid people

2006-05-01T14:39:00.000-04:00

Employee: We don't have any way to light the birthday cake for another employee.

Boss: Well, you can just put a napkin in the toaster.

I think she could very well be the dumbest person alive.

Multiple Sclerosis Supercities 10k

2006-04-23T18:10:00.000-04:00

...at least I think it was supposed to be a 10k. There was something wrong with the route that they created because of construction, so I think it was actually a measly 4k...

Here I am in my 24th week of pregnancy relaxing before the walk (notice I'm sporting my NYC marathon tee...hehehehe...):

About halfway through, John and I posed for a picture in front of the Detroit skyline:

The day was great and the weather was really cooperative. We were walking on behalf of John's friend's wife. She just recently (within the past year and a half) found out that she had MS and it seems to be coming down on her in a pretty aggressive way. It was pretty enlightening to see someone our age battling such a disease.

As for me, lately work is stressing me out. I'm beginning to H-A-T-E the staffing industry and I look forward to only having 48 more working days left. If one more adult male calls me up and begs me for a job or yells at me regarding why I haven't found a job for him, I think I may run out of the building screaming. I just keep thinking that good things come to those who wait..... or in my case, good things come to those who don't grab a baseball bat and start wailing on everyone in sight.

In lighter news, we bought our first stroller and car seat on Friday. It's neat to see John excited about this. Just like everthing else he enjoys doing, he researched his product and found the best value. We got a kick-ass deal on this stroller combo set-just in a different color:

It looks great in person and is pretty stylish. The one-hand folding feature is pretty sweet, too.

Personal training is going well... I'm slowly finishing up with clients and I'm working on a 3-day workweek at the gym. That means I'll only have late nights on two nights during the week and actually be able to come home during daylight after job #1. My Saturdays are becoming lighter, too, which is nice.

That's pretty much it.... my time is getting a bit more freed up and I'm hoping to get online to post in here more often. Spring is sprung and it's nice to spend more time at home doing the 'nesting' thing and getting ready for Jackson's arrival.

In other news, I had to go to the hospital on Wednesday. I was having some weird leakage thing going on during the day and I figured I should call my doctor in case it was something I should be worried about. They seemed more concerned than I was so they suggested I get my tail to the hospital. I left work and got admitted to the labor/delivery/triage area and they strapped on the heart monitors. Now, let me paint the picture for you... I'm lying in one of the beds and there are women on either side of me who appear to be in labor so they have monitors on, as well. Their baby's heartbeats are a nice, strong rhythm in an otherwise quite room. Then there's Jackson. The minute the nurse puts on his monitor, he starts cleanin' house or something in there. Mind you, the kid's been quiet all day---eerily quiet. The monitors go on and he goes nuts. Since they have the volume turned up, his antics are amplified a billion times. It sounded like someone took a microphone and was dragging it along the carpet. Loud, unsettling, embarrasing. I felt bad for the other women who were just trying to focus or concentrate during their contractions. There I am with a face turning beet red because my kid is getting a little nutty.

After they monitored and swabbed me, they determined that I wasn't leaking amniotic fluid (whew!) and that they couldn't find the ultrasound information that was done a couple weeks ago. Apparently, it was lost in their computer system or something and they wanted me to get another one. I had heard some negative things about ultrasounds and bubbles forming in the baby's veins, or something like that, but who am I to refuse another look at the little alien? They wheeled me down to the sonogram room....yes, in a wheelchair. I just stood there looking at the nurse like, 'You want me to get in that? Can't I just walk with you?' I felt like such an invalid being pushed around and I realized that I don't like people controlling my movement. In my head, I was screaming things like, 'Watch out for that corner!' and 'Don't wheel me so close to the wall!'. But I remained composed during my first time in a wheelchair. I have to admit it was nice to be lazy, though. Maybe I'll start riding around in those carts at Wal-Mart or something.

During the sonogram, the tech said everything was measuring well.... he's still measuring a little bit bigger than my previous due date and at one point when she measured his femur, she said he was coming up at 25 weeks. That would be an additional week on top of the one from the last sonogram. She must have seen the look on my face because she measured it again and then said it was coming up at 23 weeks.... makes a lot more sense, otherwise at that growth rate, this kid is going to be born in a month or so. I asked her if there was anything I needed to be worried about and she said there was only one little thing that I might concern me (face goes white, mouth gets dry)...... he's got a sizeable penis. I asked here if we were talking elephantitis or something and she said 'no'.... he's just a well-endowed young man. Great... as John says, it's not his head that I have to worry about delivering.........

After all the tests were done, it was determined that I'm just a leaky kind of chick or that Jack was gettin' jiggy on my bladder. Either way, we're all good.

Ciao for now~

I would like to announce that we are expecting a...

2006-04-08T19:56:00.000-04:00

I'm thrilled. Even though I was really hoping for a girl, I just 'knew' that it would be a boy (hahaha---yeah, ummm, okay...). When we got to the ultrasound clinic, the tech brought me in first. She lubed me up and I was just ready to cry because I had to pee so badly. She kept the screen pointed at her face while she did some measurements and afterwards, when I asked her what it was, she turned the screen to face me. Susan (tech) pointed out three little lines on the screen and since I had previously heard that three lines means girl, I happily proclaimed "It's a girl!"-then the tech said, "No, that's outdoor plumbing." So, trying to sound equally as happy, I said, "It's a boy!". I don't know if she bought it. :)

John and my mom came in and the tech did some fun shots of the babe. He seemed to like to play with himself (great, I've got a perv on my hands...) and he kept putting his hands on his face. Susan showed us his face up close and he started making these movements with his mouth that made him look like he was talking. I think he was trying to politely ask me to empty my bladder a bit because he was getting cramped.

All in all, I'm thrilled. It's just so nice to know what we're having and bond with him and daydream about him. Every time he kicks me, I imagine what he's going to look like and what type of personality he's going to have. I'm just so happy right now.

Very Important Date

2006-04-07T08:26:00.000-04:00

At approximately 3:20p, I will be lying on a table. Belly smeared with gel, I'll be anxiously looking at a monitor to catch the second glimpse of the little sprout that I've been growing.

I'm beside myself with excitement----this is much more intense than Christmas. I'm so nervous as to whether the baby is healthy and if I've done anything that could have possibly prevented optimum health and development. I'm hoping that the sonogram provides at least a bit of reassurance.

I'm also going to find out if we have a baby girl or boy on our hands. No matter which, I think I'm equally excited... I can see the plus sides for both and I just can't wait for the final word (and I know, I know.... you never really know until you deliver, but you get my drift).

Six degrees left of center.

2006-04-05T11:52:00.000-04:00

I'm off today. Feeling a little light-headed and generally blech. I have two clients tonight to train and then I'm heading home to clean up a bit. My office at home is a pigpen. If all goes well, I'll snap some digital pics when I get home-as a 'before' and then I'll do my sprucing and take another picture. Maybe someone can give me some decorating ideas?

Nothing else really going on-life is happy and uneventful these days. I'm sleepy today despite the seven and a half hours of sleep I got last night. I have mounds of homework that's overdue and I'd be lying if I said I haven't been seriously considering just bailing on these two courses. I've got about a month left and I've invested the cash in the books and courses themselves. I'm just not motivated and jaded by my lack of determination to finish. Even if I just scrape by, it's still a win, right? Blah.

Say something mean and I'll sit on you.

2006-03-31T09:51:00.000-05:00

So, I've been noticing that my pants have been somewhat snug lately and that I've acquired an interesting amount of backfat. Yeah, that's right. Backfat. Y'know, bra-hang. Shoulderblade love-handles. I've been chalking it up to the kid growing in my belly and the hormones being produced. At my last doctor's appointment at the beginning of March, I gained a total of 4 lbs between visits and the doctor seemed pleased with this.

Ummmm....yeah......

I just got back from the doctor's office. In 28 days, I've gained NINE POUNDS!. What the hell is that? I hopped on the scale and was staring at the scale/weight/thingies while the nurse was adjusting it. Counting on my fingers, I figured I HAD to be wrong. I looked at the nurse and asked her what the total poundage for the month was. "Oh, it looks like about 9 pounds. Could be a lot of fluid." Of course, she says this with an apologetic laugh that doesn't quite do the job of calming my hysterics. I mentioned the weight gain to the doctor and he didn't seem too phased by it. He said that he'd really like to see only a 2 or 3 pound gain for the next visit and if it was another big jump, then we'd take some action.

The black cloud of fat is hanging over my head today. I'm having visions of my big-girl days and I'm a little bit bummed about it. As I type this, I think about all of the evil women who casually say that they've only gained three or four pounds and they're well into their 5th month. All I can say to them is that I hate you and I hope cellulite from the heavens falls upon your ass.

Update: This entire rant has been meaningless. I just did the math and realized that since I go back and forth between my doctor's two offices, I haven't been in this office for two months. I've actually only gained 4 pounds in the past month. I will sheepishly back out of this post now...carry on.

Butterbean

2006-03-27T10:53:00.000-05:00

So this is what the kid looked like when I was about 7 weeks along. Reminds me of a bean of some kind---maybe kidney. Now that I'm in my 19th week---this little bean is kicking the crap outta me! It started on Thursday and seems to be pretty regular now. I was listening to a Jackson 5 song on my way to the gym on Saturday and the little guy went nuts---I think it's a sign that if it's a he, he likes the name Jackson...

We'll have a new sonogram pic in 11 days and we'll know the SEX!!!

I had a couple clients renew with me on Saturday- always makes me happy. There's just something awesome about people trusting you with their health and wellness and willing to put their money where your mouth is. I'm excited about creating some really fun programs for both of them.

Hmmm.... nothing else really today. I'm at work and the countdown has begun.... just over three months until I'm DONE WORKING. I cannot even begin to describe how much I need that time off. And I've also got just over a month until my semester is finished-that's another 2 bricks off my shoulders right now. I'm getting pretty overworked and I'm starting to wonder how long I should continue with the personal training. I think I may only do another 2 months and then say adios. I'd like to be able to go home after job #1 and just be home----maybe that's the nesting instinct?

L-O L-O L-O L-O-V-E

2006-03-24T09:49:00.000-05:00

Every time I hear Ashley Simpson's LOVE song, I think about the comedian who said she sounded like a drunken Brit saying 'hello'. Makes me chuckle a bit on the inside...sometimes the outside.

Big news yesterday-FINALLY felt the baby! She (I'm saying she because that's what she is. If we go to the ultrasound on the 7th and she's a 'he', then I firmly believe that she grew a penis during the ultrasound visit---man, I'm gonna regret saying this if she's a boy...) gave me a couple good pokes while I was sitting at my desk yesterday. The first poke caught me off guard and I just sat there really still---then two more. Delightful.

I'm wearing my cute mat jeans today from Motherhood (HIGHWAY ROBBERY), a long-sleeve T with a short-sleeve on top, and my new black heel-boots---feeling quite spiffy-looking like a hot, knocked up lady. I had a client come in last night while I was meeting with my boss at the gym and she said, "Look what this girl has done to me!" She spun around and man, she looked gorgeous. She's gone from a tight size 12 to a VERY loose 10 and she is just looking magnificent. We met after her training session and she's signing up for another 20 1-hr sessions! I threw some free sessions in as a 'thank-you' for renewing with me and putting her faith in me. She's a doll to train. I could tell her to pull cars around the parking lot for an hour and her first response would be 'where do I start?'. It's that kind of motivation that gets results---you have to want it bad enough. When I'm on mat leave, we're going to try to meet up a couple times a week to workout together.

Hmmmm.... I think that's about it for today. I'm at my day job now and my next appointment is here. There's a thick cloud of stinky cologne wafting into my office and I've just confirmed that it's my associate-lucky me. Only 98 days left until I leave this pit for good.

Fact

2006-03-13T16:52:00.000-05:00

Today is my birthday and I turned 29 at 3:34p.

Hi, my name's Carol and I'll be your trainer...

2006-03-12T18:18:00.000-05:00

Wouldn't you like to have a nice, trim waistline like mine? hehehe.....

16 weeks and 2 days pregnant and loving every crazy second of it.

She's a maniac, maniac....

2006-03-12T17:19:00.000-05:00

I think the past couple months have finally caught up with me. I had a BodyPump class yesterday and a couple clients. One of the clients was new-we'll call her 'Idiot'. Idiot was supposed to be ready for her training at 12:00p----preferably before that time, thankyouverymuch. At 12:00p, there's so sign of her. At 12:05, still have no idea where she is. J-love dropped me off at the gym in the morning because we had a delightful day of shopping ahead of us and I wanted to get the heck outta Dodge on time so that I could spend some of this money that I've been breaking my ass to make. I phone Idiot and she sounds like she's truly living up to name- "Oh, yeah. I'll be there is like two minutes, 'kay?" Ummmm, no. Not 'kay.

Idiot shows up and now I can see why noone has wanted to train her. She's dumb as a rock and really has no solid goals in terms of fitness. She jokes about the amount of partying that she does and how it's really hard for her to make appointments on time. Listen, sister, I got shit to do-and this train ain't waitin' in the station.

I immediately explain the importance of showing up a couple minutes early for appointments with me (warm-ups, limited time, yadda yadda...)-it's clearly going in one ear and out the other. I told her we only have about 15 minutes left (she's looking at me like, 'what?') because she showed up 15 minutes late and I can't just extend her training time to suit her schedule---(that's why we call them 'a-p-p-o-i-n-t-m-e-n-t-s', sweetie ). She seemed to get the point after a while and just needed some prodding in the right direction. When I'm tired and feel like other people are monopolizing my time, I tend to get a bit cranky.

So, off we go on our shopping spree--- It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood and we head to the states to begin our shopping. We stop at my mom's house which instantly puts me in a bad mood for reasons I will not post on the internet for fear of regretting what I say. Historically, once I get into a funk, it can be tough to get me out of it. We stop at a few stores and I'm getting hungry, my feet hurt, I feel fat.... We were in a Target and I thought I was going to pass out if I didn't eat something, so I broke down and had a hotdog. I know, I'm so ashamed. (I'm really not ashamed.....uh-oh, did I just type that? Shit. Ashamed, I'm ashamed. Fat, nitrates......I take it back!)

I picked out a couple really nice, button-down work shirts, some silk flowers (ladies, never take your husbands to Michael's unless you need a little pain in your life), a few plastic storage bins, etc. Nothin' special. I had been coveting this perfume, Armani Mania, for months and months now. I don't know why I haven't just picked it up for myself. I supposed stuff like that is still too extravagant for me to casually purchase. My birthday is tomorrow so I mentioned to John that I would love that perfume for my birthday (keep in mind, I'm still tired, sore from BodyPump and need a more complete meal than a freakin' hotdog). We head over to Marshall Field's and buy the perfume. I'm thrilled, but John insists I try a couple other scents. He's not a big fan of Mania and says I "smell like a mall". (?) So, trying to be a good sport, I walk over and smell a few others. John digs the DKNY Be Delicious because it's fruity and says that if he were there buying perfume for me, that's something he would pick out. He says I should return the Armani and get the DKNY-which I do, because I'm just too tuckered to argue that I've wanted that perfume for almost 6 months and I deserve it - whether he likes it or not. We exchange the perfumes and head to a Mexican restaurant for some chow. I start to tear up in the mall and by the time we get to the restaurant, I'm full out crying. I can't explain it. I was acting like a 3-year old - crying because she didn't get her way. It was the most bizarre feeling to cry over perfume. John's way of dealing with uncomfortable situations is to make fun of them-yeah, that didn't go over too well. Then he starts feeling bad because his birthday gift to me made me cry... I try to tell him that it's just a hormone thing and to ignore me until I get some food in me and can speak like a normal human being... He's promising to take me to another mall and buy both perfumes for me....uggghhh, it was just a weird mess. Welcome to pregnancy, Carol.

After I ate, I felt like a million bucks and we finished our little shopping spree. Today, I'm worn out. Working all day, everyday is taking its toll on me. I took a nap for two hours this afternoon-not normal for me unless I'm really sick. I have no energy or desire to clean up the house. I have homework due, clothes that need to be washed and I could really benefit from a brush making it's way through my rat's nest of hair.

I think I'll throw a log in the fireplace in my office, turn on some public-radio jazz station and take one bite at a time. After all, that's the only way to eat the elephant.

"Whatcha gonna do with all that baby......

2006-03-10T13:08:00.000-05:00

.....all that baby inside your belly?" (Sung in the tune of Black Eyed Peas' 'My Hump') That just kills me. Thanks to someone from JustMommies.....

Feeling quite lovely today. I don't have to work at the gym tonight - just a quick haircut/trim and I actually get to go home after work....gasp! What is that? I don't understand....

I think J-love might pick up some veggie subs for dinner. I feel a little guilty about the lack of protein but I'm sure I'll get over it quickly when I take the first bite. :)

I think that's really it for now. I have a BodyPump class in the morning, a couple clients and then it's off to Detroit for some WoNdErFuL shopping. Michael's is having a 50% off sale on all of their silk floral and I've been wanting to make up a new dining room centerpiece. If I'm feeling particularly cheesy this weekend, I'll post a picture of it. Look out, Martha.

Time Flies...

2006-03-04T08:17:00.000-05:00

Wow. Time does fly when you're having fun. I'm going into my 16th week and I feel awesome. John and I got to hear the heartbeat for the first time on Thursday. I can't tell you how moved I was. It was so strong-and fast (sniff, sniff...I smell a GIRL!). The doctor found it almost immediately and his first comment when he felt my abdomen was, "Wow, you've grown considerably since I last saw you." That's good, right? I gained 4 pounds since my last visit a month ago-so that's not so bad.

Not too much to say right now.... printing off an article from Yahoo! News about weightlifting and bellyfat. I'm going to give one to my clients every time they complain about how heavy the weights are that they're lifting. Then I have to sew a pair of pants quickly, then shower, then breakfast, then off to a BodyPump class which I've convinced most of my clients to take with me (mostly so I don't wimp out and use pregnancy as the excuse) and then I have about 4 or 5 clients.

Ciao for now.

Been MIA....

2006-02-23T09:07:00.000-05:00

....why have I been MIA, you ask? Well, it could have something to do with the fact that I'm working about 15 hours a day, 6 days a week.... argh.

I'm trying to free up my schedule a little bit more that I can enjoy this lovely, little phase in my life called 'Pregnancy'. The pregnancy seems to be going really well. I'm almost into my 15th week and I feel FABULOUS! I only had morning sickness for about 2-3 weeks and ever since then, I've been great.

I ended up taking the personal training job in an effort to do all I can to get away from this soul-sucking staffing agency environment. I'm trying to build up a hefty clientele so that when I go back to work, I'll be able to dive right into it. The only problem is that the money is pretty poopy. Most likely, I'll look for a part-time gig about 6 or so months after the kid is born and then do the personal training part-time also. We'll see.

My goal right now is to put my head down and plow through to June 30th-my goal for the last day of work.

More later.....

2005-12-30T08:07:00.000-05:00

Y o u ' r e i n W e e k 6
Hello from BabyCentre!
Your embryo (at this tiny stage, she's still not technically considered a baby or even a fetus yet) is enjoying her first huge growth spurt. Although she still resembles a tadpole more than anything else, she's sprouting tiny buds that eventually will become arms and legs. Already her vital organs, including the heart, kidneys, and liver, are in place and growing. That's one good reason to pay close attention to your diet. Calcium-rich foods help bones, heart, and muscles grow -- milk, cheese and tofu are all good sources.

Antejay: Dumbo's Feather = Remember the movie 'Dumbo'? Dumbo was able to fly when he had his magic feather-but there really wasn't any magic in the feather-it was just in his head. Dumbo's Feather = Placebo

Let me just start this post with BLAH! Dumbo's feather didn't quite cut it on Wednesday night. I was doing great until bedtime. I took the bands off to take a shower and left them off for a couple hours. When I was getting myself tucked into bed, I slipped them back on. About 25 minutes later, I was practically convulsing with nausea and chills. It was getting so rough and I was shaking so hard I had to go crawl onto the couch. I tried ginger ale, repositioning the bands, choking down a ginger snap, water, you name it. Nothing helped. The only thing that seemed to remotely help was being in an upright position. Everytime I slumped over or got horizontal, the nausea would come back. So, needless to say, I got a bunch of informercials on TV and a rerun of Sex and the City. When I finally did catch a couple Zs, I had a horrific, realistic dream that I had a miscarriage. Bah!

I felt better around 5:30a and crawled into bed with John. The alarm went off at 6:00 and there was just no way I was getting out of bed until 7:00 or 7:30. After that, I was fine. Go figure.

So, lesson learned: Always keep food in my stomach. I think the reason I was illin' so bad, was because I had eaten a fairly light, carby dinner and then nothing else. Last night I made sure that I ate something about every two hours and ended the night with a bowl of rice pudding. It was a little bit tough to get it down, but in the end, I slept all night. Man..... I got so much to learn.

5 weeks, 4 days....

2005-12-28T18:55:00.000-05:00

.....awww heck,let's just call it 6 weeks!

I don't get the whole calculation-thing associated with pregnancy. I go on one website and it says I'm 6 weeks. I look in my little pregnancy journal (which, by the way, is the coolest thing ever invented) and it says I'm only in week 4. Bah. I wanna speed it up! Well, no I don't. I really do want to take my time and enjoy all of the little nuances.... but I want to do that when I'm between 13 and 24 weeks. I think that will be my prime time. Ahhh.... nevertheless.

I'm having a good day today. I ran out at lunch and picked up those EZ Travel bands or Seabands and plopped those suckers on around 12:30p today. Since then, not a hint of nausea. I think I may have found Dumbo's feather! I'm just thrilled! On a different note, I have been having some period-like cramping since Monday. It worries me slightly, but everyone I've talked to and all of the websites say that this is normal (especially when not accompanied by spotting) and that it's just my uterus expanding. Hmmmm.... I can't wait for next week. I was able to reschedule the ultrasound so that John can be there with me. Fingers-crossed that everything turns out okay.

Hmmmm.... kinda pooped and need to clean house. Check ya later.

All knocked up.

2005-12-27T18:36:00.000-05:00

So, I'm pregnant. I honestly can't believe it as I type it. I can’t say that I’m shocked---because I do understand how the birds and the bees do their thang. I guess I just didn’t think that it would ever happen. I remember being little and swearing up and down that I would NEVER get pregnant and have kids when I was older. Why not? “Because you throw up” Would be my answer. I’ve had a deep-rooted, completely irrational fear of vomiting for as long as I can remember. I think there’s even a name for it…. Emetophobia --- or something like that. I’ve read up a little bit on it and it’s quite interesting to see how many people actually have this same fear. Well, I think the best way to rid myself of the fear it jump headfirst! Aside from tongue-kissing someone with a stomach bug, this has to be the ticket, right? (For those of you who don’t understand….no, I didn’t get pregnant to confront a fear-‘that’ would be irrational…)

So here I am, about six weeks along according to all of the pregnancy calculators that litter the internet. I feel….okay…. The last couple of days have been interesting. It seems like as soon as I entered my sixth week of pregnancy, the nausea fairy decided to come for a visit, bring all of her shit and stay in the guestroom for a while. I haven’t prayed to the porcelain god, yet. Just lots of ‘ick’ feelings. And it’s all day, too. Screw the terminology ‘Morning Sickness’.

Other than that, things seem to be going great. I have my first ultrasound scheduled in a couple weeks. I’m trying to arrange it so that John can be there, too. I think it would be nice for him to be able to see that I’m actually knocked up and not just looking for an excuse to be ultra-picky with food and then eat everything in sight.

And as you’ll notice in the ‘comments’ section from the last post-my Aunt was nice enough to point out the fact that twins run in the family. I remember my grandmother mentioning a long time ago that I was a good candidate. I told John and he’s just giddy with that possibility. We only want two kids and for him, if we can take care of that in one punch-all the better. Oh, and Anna-the-Psychic at work says that she sees two symbols in my hand, one boy and one girl-but she says that she only sees me having a daughter. A bit troubling, but I think I’m okay with it. I think there are quite a few pregnancies that start out as two and ultimately end as one. I’m just hoping the ultrasound will be able to show how many little stinkers are in there (please let there be one!)

Baby Phit

2005-12-19T10:25:00.000-05:00

Shhhh.... don't tell anyone...

Come take a look!

2005-12-11T13:33:00.000-05:00

Here's what's been eating up my time lately.... Carol Lee Designs

So much more to come.... Oh, and I was offered the personal trainer position with the 'intention' of possibly being bumped to fitness manager late next quarter.....

Note to self...

2005-11-24T22:42:00.000-05:00

......never work in a gym as a personal trainer.

The upside is that I've decided to NOT work in a gym. I'd much rather get certified on my own and train from my home. Even considering the cost of equipment, advertising and such...... it's a much better deal.

So, looks like I'm staying in the 'staffing agency minefield'. I suppose things could be worse..... I could've been hit by a stray Macy's Turkey Day balloon.

Ooooh, ooooh, ooooh...

2005-11-23T10:34:00.000-05:00

If you really love me, you'll check THIS out.

Interview's tonight---- not sure if I'm going to go for it. I'm developing a strategic battle-plan that will be revealed to all very soon. I'll update tonight and let you know how all goes.

Should I stay or should I go

2005-11-19T09:19:00.000-05:00

Work has been a bit hectic, if not downright scary, and it’s also that time which puts me in a delightful mood.

In other news, I’m going for a job interview next Wednesday. It’s for a local gym in Canada and they’re looking for personal trainers. I’m not certified, yet, but have been toying with the idea for a VERY long time. I eat, drink, sleep and breathe health, fitness and nutrition and would love the opportunity to make it something that I do for a living. Ties in nicely with my ultimate goal of pediatric endocrinology. There are a couple downsides that I can see to a position like this:

It can be very ‘sales-y’. People are running on the treadmill, doing their own thang, and there’s you, bugging them to try and get them to utilize your training services. Plus, I would imagine there’s a fair bit of telemarketing involved. Although-it’s like my husband always says, “I can sell anything if I believe in it…” That’s kinda where I’m at with this one. I believe in it and preach it already, so why not throw it in everyone’s faces? Ha…
Initial compensation is L-O-W. From what the manager at the gym told me, it’s very ‘entrepreneurial’. Yeah, that’s what we would tell the new life insurance agents at my old job. Basically, that means you ain’t makin’ no dough for a while, sweetie. You have to build up a client base and nevermind the fact that I probably won’t even be able to legally train anyone until I get some certifications under my belt.

Uggghhhh….. I just gotta get out of this vicious cycle of shitty office jobs. They’re the golden handcuffs for me. The money is manageable, but the tasks and management are unbelievably stupid and stagnant with no willingness toward change. And I’ve always daydreamed about someday starting up a personal training biz’. The nice thing about it being at the gym is the ability to use their equipment. That’s one of the biggest money-savers. Sure, you could travel to the homes of stay-at-home moms and do plyometrics, but there’s just something great about being in a ‘gym’ atmosphere. I don’t know…. I think I have a lot of contemplating to do right now…..

On another topic, the low-carbing is working well for me. Getting rid of the sugar has lifted the fog from my brain and kept the TOM water-weight monster away. In fact, I'm down 4 pounds since Monday. I've been running with a friend after work (dang it's cold, y'all!) and have been pseudo-training her, also.

"When it comes time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home."

Chief Aupumut, Mohican 1725

Antsy.

2005-11-13T15:22:00.000-05:00

It's been a week since the big day and now I'm antsy. I'm antsy for some type of goal or something. John and I are thinking of having kids soon, but in the interim, I need to do something. Something that will get me in shape cuz' honestly, I didn't lose an ounce training for the marathon. And yes, I do realize that could have been partly due to the fact that my training regime sucked ass.

So, here I am, wanting to do something. I want to do something new. Something fresh. I don't want to do another BFL challenge---that's played out for me right now. I'm thinking along the lines of a 30-day kick-start. I can deal with 30 days. Heck, it'll end before Christmas.... My mind keeps telling me to take a break off of processed carbs/sugar. This past week has been chock-full of junk that I've just constantly fed into my system and I need some type of cleanse...

Okay, I'm committing to it. 30 days without processed carbohydrates starting tomorrow. No bread (only exception-those nasty low-carb/high fiber wraps), pasta, sugar and white flour. I'll try to check in every day and keep accountable. Hmm... better go do something with those homemade chocolate chip muffins on the kitchen counter.

What else is taking up mind-space right now? My middle toe still hurts. If I wear socks that are too tight, my toe starts to ache.... what's up with that? Been like that since the marathon.

It all comes down to this. Part II

2005-11-09T20:59:00.000-05:00

I slept like crap Saturday night. I kept having dreams that I missed the race or that the hotel-room alarm clock wasn’t set correctly. I must have woken up every hour just to check the time. When the clock finally went off at 4:30a, I hit snooze. John turned over and started growling, “No, no, no---we are not doing this again. Get up now!” I oozed out of bed and started the in-room coffee-pot (even though I never did drink it). I grabbed an apple-juice and stole a bagel from the basement storage area of the hotel. John walked me to the subway stop, gave me a quick kiss and wished me luck.

Once on the subway, a man seated next to me must have noticed the chip on my shoe and the Participant Handbook that I was carrying. Our conversation went like this:

Him (in a very thick, middle-eastern accent) “Are you running today?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

“How long is this run?”

“It’s just over 26 miles.”

“Ha! I can’t run two blocks! How you do this?”

“If you practiced, I bet you could do it, too.”

At this point the train has stopped and several runners have gotten up to get off.

(Said in a very dramatic way with a sweeping motion of his hand) “Good luck to you and to all the other marathon!”

That was just the coolest.

Once off the train, it seemed like every single person on that platform was running. Which makes sense considering that it was, like, 6:10a on a Sunday morning---who else is on the subway? We all filed out up the stairs, with our UPS bags in tow, super-conveniently right into the line for the busses. Honestly, the timing or placement couldn’t have been better. Once in line, there were dozens of volunteers clapping, telling us to show our numbers and wishing us luck. My heart was starting to get very full and I couldn’t wipe the perma-grin that was all over my face. I must have looked ridiculous…

I sat down on the bus and a very nice, older gentleman sat next to me. He’s run a billion marathons and ultras and offered me tips and such. He told me about how his wife didn’t come this time because the hotel rates were so high-so he decided to stay at the ‘Y’ about a quarter mile away from the finish line. He seemed so happy as he described his cell-like accommodations.

We were on the bus for what seemed like forever. It had to have been close to two hours. There was some huge traffic jam and it was so disheartening to see all of the empty busses driving past us in the on-coming lanes. I had visions of being the last bus to arrive and not having time to finish eating or go to the bathroom----ack! I was seriously starting to stress. It was at about this point that some runners got up and demanded that the bus-driver open the doors to let us off. We were ridiculously close to the staging area and even though the bus driver protested, he just couldn’t compete with a bunch of nervous runners with full bladders yelling at him. Poor guy. He never stood a chance.

There was a buzz in the air. Music was playing on the bridge. Runners were either bustling around with coffees in hand or lying on their yoga mats reading the paper. Lines were getting long at the potties so I stopped there first. I only had to wait about ten minutes or so and the potty was in pretty decent shape. Definitely a good omen.

I grabbed a bagel and a cookies-n-cream Power Bar – which I normally abhor - and ate like it was the most amazing meal of my life. I still don’t know why it tasted so good - even when I think about it now, my stomach turns at the thought of those bars. I had a cup of yummy, green Gatorade and sipped my water, too. I didn’t want to have to go to the bathroom again before the start, so I was careful not to fill my bladder too quickly.

After I loaded my bag onto my designated UPS truck, I took a seat on a curb and began stretching a bit. I kept looking for the 5:00 pace group and never did find them. I met a sweet woman from the Netherlands. She told me this was her first marathon and that she was nervous. We both exchanged a few pleasantries and offered encouragement to one another. It was at this time that I met Gianine. Gianine was also looking for the 5:00 pace group so we stuck together to see if we could find them, and at the very least, we could try our best together to see if we could keep each other on pace.

All of a sudden, the runners started lining up in their corrals and began moving in a slow shuffle. I think I caught the tail-end of the national anthem and then heard the cannon. Everyone cheered and started shuffling slowly. It took us almost 13 minutes to make it to the starting line.

The run up the bridge was surprisingly easy and after Gianine and I complained about summer training runs, we both agreed that they were worth it. It was getting pretty hot out there on the top portion of the bridge and I was really beginning to regret not putting on sunblock (it was supposed to be CLOUDY!!!)

It was quiet on the bridge and our side (blue bibs) seemed sparse. Contrary to what I had imagined, there was plenty of room and I only saw a couple of men peeing on the edge. Once we made it to the crest, it felt nice to let the descent do most of the work and just ease on down. Our legs were still fresh and we were running at a comfortable pace getting to know each other. Once we got to the end of the bridge, I got my first taste of what would be the very essence of this race……..the spectators. I am still moved when I think of every single man, woman and child who stood on the sidelines to cheer on a complete stranger like myself. I wore a human bumper sticker across my chest that said CAROL in black marker. John told me that if I wore something that had my name on it, people might cheer for me.

Might….

For the next 24 miles, the cheers were continuous, “Go Carol!” “Carol, you look great!” “Almost there, Carol!” “Carol, you’re awesome!” “Carol, baby, lookin’ good!” The best part is the way that New Yorkers say ‘Carol’. The ‘Ca’ gets pronounced long and drawn out—it’s awesome! It made me feel like I had the best name ever. And the one that will forever stay etched in my brain…. as we made our way through Brooklyn, a man on the sidewalk met eyes with me and said, “Hey, Carol! Welcome to Brooklyn! How you doin’?” He said it with the thickest New York slant you can imagine. It was wonderful.

The rest of the miles are mostly blurry. I remember certain moments throughout the race:

The Hasidic neighborhood, eerily quiet with lots of people passing through the streets as if a race wasn’t going on.

The 2nd to last bridge (I think) that made me want to scream. The incline felt like it lasted forever and the descent felt way too harsh---that one was tough.

The Korean couple in front of me. I greet them with an “On Yong Ah Seh Yo” and the husband looked at me, then at his wife. He asked me if I spoke Korean and I responded that I only spoke a little bit. They laughed and waved me on.

I remember someone lying on the side of the road with several other runners and some medics---he looked like he was going into some type of seizure. I hope he’s okay.

Natasha---dressed in a blue running skirt and a blue tank top. I paced with her for a while and we exchanged greetings. She’s from New York. She told me that she liked the Strawberry/Banana Powergel better than the Chocolate.

A gentleman who was also supposed to be with the elusive 5:00 pace team. He wore a red T-shirt, thanked me for my pace and said I was doing great for a first-time marathoner.

The countless little kids throughout the course that held bags of mini-Snickers and Hershey Miniatures and called out the names of runners who passed them by.

Every single beverage volunteer who took the time to say, “Here you go, Carol!”

The most awesome smell of fresh baked doughnuts around mile 18 (?)

Some woman holding her dog and waving his paws at me.

Countless bands and artists playing their musical instruments just to entertain the runners.

Windows of Brownstones wide open with stereos blaring into the street.

There were so many little moments that I remember – and together, they made for the most amazing day of my life. There was a moment near the end of the race, when Central Park was in my sights and the end of the course could just be felt in the air. Everyone’s pace was picking up and the energy was almost tangible. All at once, it felt like every awful, unhappy, uncomfortable moment of my life was vivid in my brain. Every low feeling I’ve ever experienced. Every fight I’ve ever had-mental and physical. It all sat on my chest and I started to tear up. I never had a full-out cry, just wet eyes and a heavy feeling on my body. It was like all the unhappiness was just falling like bricks onto me. This lasted for about a mile. It was then that I saw John---holding up his sign that he made for me with a very personal message on it. We locked eyes and the four women standing next to him were yelling my name. He didn’t have to say a word. We just looked at each other and smiled. Then I saw the 800 meter mark… the 400 meter mark…. I could see the finish line!

I can’t remember if I crossed the finish line with my arms up or down or if I made any type of victory pose. I just remember being handed my medal and starting to hyperventilate. At least I think that’s what it was-it’s never happened to me before. It felt like all the sadness that climbed into my pores in the last mile of the race was coming out and just going away. All that I had left was pure happiness. I’ve always loved the word ‘joy’ but never thought I had ever really felt it. This had to be it. I took some deep breaths and got my thermal blanket thingy taped around my shoulders. It was still warm and I didn’t think I’d need it but it was nice---and form-flattering, too.

We were handed water and goody bags that had a Powerbar, apple, bagel and some Tylenol in it. I took out the apple and almost had sex with it. It looked so good-I was practically stroking it. A volunteer looked at me and laughed. I smiled at her and told her that it looked like the most delicious apple ever (apparently the euphoria was still pretty prevalent-even in my taste buds). I just can’t get describe enough how happy I was. After a quick stretch on a barricade, we made our way to the baggage claim area. I saw John and he took a couple pictures of me after yelling to me that he was proud of me. After we met up in the area corresponding to our last name’s initial, we made the VERY slow journey back to the hotel. My legs were unbelievably tight, but I was happy to feel every single twinge. Once in the subway, the person behind the glass made an announcement that anyone who ran the marathon got free fare today and to just stand by the gate and open it. I thought that was pretty cool.

We got to the hotel subway stop and John asked if I was hungry. We saw a Korean noodle restaurant near the hotel and I told him that I could do that for dinner. He sent me back to the room to shower while he ordered some dinner for us. He was only gone for a little while when he came back with a sack of White Castle and a bag of doughnuts. He said that the noodle place looked gross so he grabbed the sliders and he remembered me telling him about the wonderful doughnut smell and hoped the Dunkin’ Donuts would suffice. I couldn’t have been happier. I ate five burgers without flinching and polished off a honey cruller --- then promptly fell asleep.

The nighttime was tough. Every time I moved, my knees would ache and I would wake up. We slept in for a little while and finally made our way to the continental breakfast area for a bite. I wore my NYRRC long-sleeve freebie T-shirt and got a bunch of really nice comments. The best one was as we were getting on the plane. The stewardess smiled at me and said she thought she recognized me. She asked for my name and when she noticed my shirt, she congratulated me and made a joke about how if it had been her, she’d still be running. We had a quiet laugh and I found my seat. Later, as she was going through the safety procedures, she stopped at the end of the spiel and asked everyone to “…please give Carol Lee in seat 7A a round of applause! She finished the New York City Marathon yesterday!” Thanks, Noreen! You rock! I eat that dorky shit right up.

So, here I am three days later. The soreness is almost all gone. I’m itching to get back to working out and it all comes down to this:

On Sunday, November 6th, 2005, I completed the New York City Marathon.

Contrary to prior fears,
I did not throw up.
I did not shit myself.
I did not collapse to the ground.
I did not wonder if I could finish.
I did not wish it would just end already.
I ran (okay, okay… jogged) 26.2 miles in a net time of 5:40:04.
I also realized just who I am and what I have.

It all comes down to this. Part I

2005-11-08T18:22:00.000-05:00

I’ll start from the very beginning---this is more for myself than for storytelling, so those of you who just want the meat and potatoes of the race may want to skip ahead or just go look at something on Ebay.

I had to work late on Friday night and didn’t get home until after 8:00p. John was kind enough to get the laundry train moving and had most of my clothes (technical gear and otherwise) washed, dried and folded in neat, little piles-he’s good like that. I started packing and going over my checklist of what to bring, took a quick shower and spent the rest of the night (almost until 1:00a!) scanning the NYRRC website, selecting music for my mp3 player and just trying to shake off all of the nervous energy that I had.

Our flight was for 6:05a the next morning and since we live about 90 minutes from the airport-in another country, we thought it would be a good idea to leave the house around 3:45-4:00a---which meant getting up at around 3:00a (yeah, tell me about it.)

Saturday morning I woke up to: “Fuck! Carol, it’s four-o-clock! Shit---we gotta go!” We made the mad dash around the house to pick up any straggling remains of our packing…. ummm, my packing, and jumped in the car sans coffee. Needless to say, the ride to the airport was a bit…..tense. We were both a bit snippy and stressed because there was a very large possibility that we could miss the flight. And that would suck.

We got to the airport with time to spare, but soon realized that the terminal we thought we were departing from was deserted or closed down or something equally stupid and had to hoof-it for what felt like half a mile. And anyone else who’s had to fly out of Detroit Metro’s Smith Terminal----is it just me or do the American Airlines gates look like a really run-down trailer park? Anyway… our plane was a puddle-jumper and the look on John’s face was priceless. “That’s not our plane, is it?” He was practically turning green just looking at it. I popped a Dramamine for good luck…

The flight was unremarkable-smooth takeoff and landing and once we arrived in NY, it finally started to feel real. We hopped in a cab and made our way to the La Quinta hotel on Queens and 38th. Nice enough hotel-the staff are kinda strange. Very soup-nazi-esque. They wouldn’t allow an early check-in, but let us drop off our bags since we arrived so early. We then headed to the marathon expo at the Javits Center and I think I may have fallen in love with running all over again.

The expo was very well organized (note: bring your own bottled water-the vendors outside the expo in the kiosks try to get away with selling 16 oz bottles of water for $2.75 ROBBERY) and everyone was just so helpful and kind. When you first walk in, they usher you into a line to get registered and pick up your packet which includes your race number, chip and all the fun freebie stuff. It was all just so overwhelming for this first-time marathoner. When the gentlemen stamped my registration card and directed me to the proper booth, he looked me in the eyes, smiled and said, “Good luck!” This is where the welling-of-the-eyes started. I knew it would happen eventually, probably that night or something, but I had no idea I was gonna start losing it this early. Every time someone offered me a sample of something (note: the Powerade Endurance formula is absolutely horrendous-go for the Gatorade instead) and said any kind word to me, I just looked at them very seriously and thanked them profusely---what a newbie!

We wandered around the expo and accepted practically every, little freebie handed to us. John really wanted a lanyard that the Army was offering, but I didn’t feel like getting recruited… I bought a long-sleeve running top instead and signed up with the 5:00 pace team. They promised that anyone running with the pace group would finish no more that two minutes earlier than their scheduled time and there was some other guarantee about finishing a few seconds before the 5-hour mark, but I can’t remember exactly what they were.

After we were loaded down with about 5 bags worth of goodies, we made our way back to Grand Central station for some lunch. I had a slice of pizza and figured we should head back to the hotel room to wind down a bit. I also wanted to get my number pinned to my singlet and put my name on the cool ING fabric/human bumper sticker/thing that they handed out at the expo. Once we got back to the hotel room, we showered the frazzled morning away and decided that: 1. the night was still young, 2. we were in New York 3. I wanted to do a practice run of how to get to the morning busses to the start 4. I could really use a new purse.

We traipsed around Times Square, grabbed a couple Frappaccinos oozing with whipped cream and made our way to Central Park. The air just seemed to be filled with so much energy. The entrance to the Park was barricaded off and there were a bunch of runners. We sat for a bit and turned back for the hotel. I picked up a NY pretzel (c’mon, a girl’s gotta carb-up before the big race!) and also snagged a couple purses – bought in true New York style – off of a blanket on the sidewalk. I talked a mean deal, too.

Dear Diary,

2005-11-07T18:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I ran in the New York City Marathon.

(details and pictures to follow tomorrow...)

Four days left..

2005-11-02T12:07:00.000-05:00

....and what's going through my whirring mind?

I'm scared.
I'm scared that I could be making a terrible mistake by running the marathon. My training has been awful and I've slacked off with most of it. I ran 15 miles a couple weeks ago (10/22), but that was my longest run and I'm in DESPERATE need of some encouragement that it's all going to be okay. Even if someone lies to me, I'll take it.

Did about 7.5 miles on Sunday (last 'long' run until after the 'thon). They were decent miles and I finished with a balls-out run at the end because I was so energized. I think I'm finally at the 'acceptance' stage with this thing. A couple months ago, I was in denial: "Marathon? Well... I'm sure I won't be running it. Something will happen and I'll back out. I've got time. I don't really need to train that hard for something that's not there...." Then anger set in: "What? It's gonna cost me HOW much to cancel my plane tickets? What? You're disappointed in me for wanting to give up on a goal that I've had for about 4 years?" And now I've settled into acceptance. Which, I suppose, is a good place to be right now. There's not a whole lot that I can do right now to change my fate in the marathon. I can make sure that I stretch well, take my vitamins, get lots of sleep and eat foods that agree with me. I can make sure that I pack well and that I pace myself when the day comes. I can plan my morning for the marathon so that I have every base covered...... but......I'm still nervous as hell---What I know for sure is that I'm getting on a plane this Saturday at 6:05 in the morning to go do something huge. I'll be taking the procrastinator inside of me, spinning her around, pulling down her pants and spanking her ass as hard as I can.

Still here.

2005-10-13T13:31:00.000-04:00

I'm tired. I'm depressed. I'm lazy. Did I mention that I'm tired?

Don't know what my deal has been for the last couple months... I just don't have any motivation. My runs have been sparse and I really don't know if I can do this thing. I'm hanging in there, though. I stepped out for lunch today and picked up some Lemon Lime Gatorade (even though the stuff they're providing at the race will be the fancy endurance formula...can't find it...) and I bought some gummi bears for my long this Sunday. As a sidenote, what does everyone out there eat on their long run? I've heard that M&Ms are good, Snickers, gummi bears..... whatcha eatin'????

Music

2005-10-05T09:50:00.000-04:00

I need new music. When I run, I like to listen to new tunes that I haven't heard before---even if it's not music that I particularly like, I still focus more, listening to words and interesting beats. I recently received some new Kanye stuff and the Black Eyed Peas album. There are about 5 really good songs on the Kanye album and almost all of the BEP disc kicks booty. I'm thinking about grabbing some Rob Thomas and maybe some older hits, like TLC. I keep a pen and paper in my car so that I can jot down songs or ideas for music when I hear them on the radio.

Wow. This is turning out to be a boring post.

Did 12 miles on Sunday. I went back to my post about the shitty run from a couple weeks ago and tried to do some troubleshooting. Here's what I did for this run:

1. bagel with butter (real butter) prior to run (about 30-45 min. prior)
2. bottle of Gatorade in water belt
3. left at approx 8:00-ish am

Lo-and-behold, the run was fine. (I did run on the trail...)The only issue that I was feeling was a bit of that damn shoulder/neck/back of the head thing that happens. My back wasn't terribly sore and I was even able to shower up, and head out for a day of shopping with my sister-in-law directly after. Granted, my the end of the afternoon, I was sitting on the display stands in stores because my legs were sore.....

So:
No more dairy before a run.
Longs must happen 8:00a or before
Gatorade is a godsend and must be included---always!

I'm going to pick up some gummy bears for this Saturday's long and try those, too. My goal is 10-12 road miles and then next weekend, I'll attempt the 16-miler again.... grrrrrr!

Phitness report

2005-09-29T20:18:00.000-04:00

Did a quick 4-miler after work today. I really dig running after work... it means I get to sleep in the morning - something I happen to be a fan of. My legs are finally back to normal and I don't have to hold onto the toilet and brace myself when I sit down anymore. I'm still not sure if I'm ready for this marathon, though. I think about it everyday and wonder if I can really do it. My training really has been subpar and I just don't know. But, alas, the plane tickets and hotel are booked so there's no turning back now.

I feel like posting random pictures:

This one was taken in a hotel room in Paris.

And here's the actual, tiny hotel room in all its glory (don't mind the strange man...) The room was sooooo small. The bathroom door touched the bed when completely open and never really closed all the way. Whenever one of us had to, ummm, er, 'go poo-poo', the other one was ordered out onto the 9-inch-deep balcony (which I'm standing out on in order to take this picture).

Greetings from the crater.

2005-09-28T20:01:00.000-04:00

Here are more pictures from S. Korea. The top three are from a crater on an island. The last one is from the trail going up Mt. Hallasan-the hardest climb I've ever done.

I'm lovin' it.

2005-09-27T21:50:00.000-04:00

So, Maggie Wang's got a fancy, schmancy site up now for all you chickadees in the fitness racket. I'm signed up and gearing up for the Lean, Mean, Halloween Challenge. I've set up my goals and am very much looking forward to the added motivation.

Phitness-wise, today was pretty uneventful. My legs are still ridiculously sore---causing me to walk like I've been sliding down firehouse poles all afternoon. I did a halfhearted upper body workout after work with the mister, but we were both kinda pooped and hungry.

Watched The Biggest Loser.... we all knew Nick was gonna be sent packing.

Hmmm, that's all for tonight. I'm getting up tomorrow morning to try and get a run in, anything, even if it means just walking for an hour---only 40 more days!

Korea pics trickle in...

2005-09-26T19:28:00.000-04:00

I'm slowly digging through some of the pictures from my recent visit to South Korea. I'll have to dig through my journal and blog some of the 'special' experiences. I think it must be like childbirth..... you have to forget the pain before you're ready to relive it.

Here I am with ice cream all over my shirt. It was about 95-100 degrees when we went to visit this palace, so we stopped off for some ice cream. Things to remember: chocolate ice cream, me, and a white shirt do not mix well.
Here's Mr. Phitlee working his way up some crazy-ass steps near the top of Mt. Seorak 2 (not really it's name... just the name I gave it---it's near Mt. Seorak):

Here's the HaHaHoHoSHOW in Itaewon. Mr. Phitlee actually thought it was a comedy club....hahahoho...

And here are tiny puppies for sale in Dongdaemun. It took every ouce of self-control to refrain from grabbing them all and rescuing them from the subway vendor.

And yours-truly again at the base of the cave we we toured. Can't remember the name to save my life, but I remember the climb being quite difficult, to put it lightly.

Everybody hurts.

2005-09-26T18:57:00.000-04:00

If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to have two broken legs, go run 15 miles when your lazy ass ain’t ready and call me in the morning.

I woke up this morning needing to head down into the basement for something and it probably took me about 4 minutes to take 15 steps---and I could only do it sideways, one step at a time. I’m hurtin’, people.
However, I deserve it. I should’ve known better. Lesson learned

In other news, I hate my new job with a passion. I work for the weirdest bunch of pre-menopausal woman you could imagine. It’s run by two chicks who seem to hate each other. Working there is like having your mom and dad fighting constantly, all with you in the middle trying to figure out what to do to make it stop. It’s the most bizarre experience; one boss will come in and explain a task to you very quickly and leave. The other one will breeze in moments later asking why you did that prior task the way you did since it was clearly wrong and you should have known better. I’m repeatedly addressed as if I’m five years old and just fell off the turnip truck. It’s silly, really, yet oh-so-frustrating.

One more thing: I wish they would open up a goddamn dictionary once in a while and see that the correct terminology is ‘orient’, not ‘orientate’. I have been listening to these people say ‘orientate’ daily for almost two months and it’s driving me up a wall!

Now, there have been some highlights to my career as a recruiter for a staffing agency. For example:

I interviewed someone who’s last job title was ‘artificial inseminator for a poultry farm’ (although not quite spelled that way on his application). When we started discussing his job duties there, I couldn’t contain myself. I acted like I had something caught in my throat and excused myself for the ladies room. I was dying…. I just kept imagining this poor kid with his pants around his ankles chasing turkeys.

Then there was the ‘fire-watcher’. His job was to stand in a corner and watch for fires on the job site. I completely lost it on that one.

Friday, I had the ‘potato specialist’. He was an agricultural scientist from Pakistan who studied the different strains of diseases in potatoes. He was so excited to talk about his prior work…. I just wanted to know if he still eats ‘em.

Then there was the interesting fellow who kept touching his dirty parts while I was interviewing him. I don’t know if the cat had jock-itch or what, but I was a little creeped out…

My roses really smell like boo-boo.

2005-09-25T21:16:00.000-04:00

Oh the horrors of a long run.

The day started out pretty uneventful: woke up around 6:00-ish, listened to the alarm clock for an ungodly amount of time (snooze, sleep, alarm, snooze, sleep, alarm...), finally got out of bed at 8:00-ish, had some coffee and Smart Start cereal because I hear that's what they'll be serving for brekky at the 'thon---I'll have to double-check that, then at 9:45a went on my merry, little way after a satisfying bathroom pit-stop.

I decided to hit the road today as opposed to the trail because I haven't done a good asphalt long run in quite some time. All was well for the first 9-ish miles. Mr. Phitlee had told me about his longest run that led him to a car dealership. He talked about that long run the way an old man reminisces about a great event in their life. His eyes sparkle a little bit and there’s a smidge of pain written on his face. Imagine my surprise when I saw that dealership at the halfway mark which is about 7.5 miles out. (???-he told me that it was a 20 miler….hmmph). Anyway, I was on cloud nine---practically skipping as I turned around. I felt good, a little tired, but still energetic. I had only been running about 80 minutes or so, so I still felt like I had some gas in the tank. I honestly thought that if this is what it felt like, then the marathon is going to be a piece of cake.
My shit did not stank at that very moment.

Then….

Around 9-point-something miles, things got a bit ugly. I felt a rock under the tongue of my shoe and it was starting to rub funny. I knew I would have to pick it out, but whenever I stop on a run, my lower back starts to ache really bad and I have a tough time gearing up for the rest of the run-nevermind the fact that I was running on a pretty hilly stretch of road. After I worked out the little bugger, my hips and legs turned to stone and running was becoming a real pain in the neck. I tried to keep the pace up as hard as I could, but the hills were proving to be a bit much so I had to…...sigh......walk for a while. I looked like an idiot with my water-bottle pack, gels, painful expression on my face and a gait that would make you wince.

I tried the walk, jog, walk-funny, walk, jog, walk-funny for quite a while and when I was about 2 miles from home, I just gave up on the ‘jog’ part. It was getting pointless because after the jog, I was feeling so shitty and recovery time was taking way too long. At this point, it was about 12:50p and I remembered the note that I left on the door for Mr. Phit stating the approximate time I should be back (I put the road that I was running down and the guesstimate of time---should anything go awry, he would be able to scoop me up). I was wondering if I’d see his car racing up and battling with myself as to whether I’d accept a ride or ask for another bottle of water instead. It was huuuuuumid and balmy in a terrible way and the bottle of H20 that I brought along was being rationed in a way that did not match my sweating.

When I finally got to our driveway, his garage door was slowly coming up and I saw him with a fresh bottle of icy water-keys in hand. Apparently, he was getting ready to send out the one-man search party since I’d been gone pretty long. I actually anticipated being out for about 3 hours (90 minutes out, 90 minutes back) and it turned out to be 3 hours, 20 minutes for 15.39 miles (25.6k for you Canadians out there).

When I got settled inside, my stomach was doing some interesting things. I decided to take a quick shower and that turned out to be a HUGE mistake. I was still too overheated and nauseous and thought I was going to puke right then and there so I had to jump out and sit for a second, sopping wet, just to get my bearings. I left the soap in my hair, bundled up into my robe and towel and went straight to the bedroom to lie down. I felt like poo for about 2-3 hrs and then, magically, all was well-again and I was starving.

Lessons learned? I’m not sure. Here are my guideposts for a better 15-miler:

1. At least 3 runs during the week that are in the 4-6 mile range.
2. Keep nutrition at the BFL standards-extra carbs for free-day longs.
3. Run as early as possible to avoid the wicked, satanic, horrendous, mid-day heat.
4. Stash another bottle of iced water in a bush somewhere along my route.
5. Be mindful to take it slow in the beginning so I don’t conk out in the end.
6. Skip the caffeine-laced energy gels because they obviously make me delusional.

Well, folks, it’s official.

2005-09-16T12:52:00.000-04:00

I’m running the ING New York City Marathon. I booked my hotel and flight last night and I think that may have been just the kick in the pants that I needed. It’s real now. My usual habit of starting without finishing and an added dash of procrastination has to go on a short-term seven-week hiatus. I leave in SEVEN WEEKS. I HAVE to do well. I HAVE to start running. I HAVE to get a few longs in there. The longest trail run that I’ve done is about 10 miles and it really was a piece of cake, so I’m sure it will all work out okay.

Weekend plans:
Laundry (wash all workout clothes and get them put away)
Long run Sunday morning
Upper body workout on Saturday night

My plan for the weekend is getting a little bit readjusted. I’m staying at a friend’s house tonight so I won’t get a chance to do my long first thing in the morning tomorrow, but, I’m keeping in mind that FLEXIBILITY is key for this to work. I tend to get all bent out of shape when a structured plan falls through and then I throw the baby out with the bath water (that figure of speech just creeps me out). Not this time. Not during these precious seven weeks. Because of that, I am making a promise here and now to remain flexible with my schedule and to not freak out when I have to shuffle my workout schedule.

I find that my life is ever-changing and it’s much more enjoyable to go with the flow than to dig my heels into the ground and stand still as a symbol of rebellion (even though it's really fear). In the end, I'm just standing still.

Got into a tussle...

2005-09-14T13:26:00.000-04:00

....with a steak knife last night. My left index finger is pretty ugly on the knuckle. I was hacking at a piece of corn on the cob with a knife---why I didn't just break it with my hands is beyond me...--- and I must have shifted funny because instead of laying a good slice against the cob, I hit my finger instead. Needless to say, I stopped, dropped and rolled all the way to the kitchen sink with my other hand covering it. It was starting to pulsate and throb and John come flying into the kitchen asking if everything was okay. I asked him to look at it for me which is really odd... normally I totally dig this kind of stuff, cuts and scrapes amaze me and I LOVE watching surgical shows on TV. I think I just had a pretty good freak-out 'cause I knew I sliced it so hard and it would be awful. I took my other hand away and it hadn't even started bleeding yet because I applied pressure so quickly initially. A flap of skin shifted and the fountain started to flow. John (the sweetie was such a great nurse) bandaged me up pretty good. I needed two good, sturdy bandages and it was still bleeding this morning. It still aches a bit, but I'm sure it'll be fine. Otherwise, the only difference in my daily life is that my typing speed is now about 14 wpm with 7 errors.

In other news, I've created a workout plan that should last the rest of this challenge. I have the challenge timed with the NYC marathon in November and I’m trying to keep the mileage up. Here’s what I’ve got starting tomorrow morning:

Monday a.m: Weights (Lower)
Tuesday a.m: Cardio (Run about 5 miles)
Wednesday a.m: Cardio (HIIT 3-5 miles)
Thursday a.m: Cardio (Run about 5 miles)
Thursday p.m: Weights (Upper)
Friday: Rest
Saturday: Long run (10-20 miles) and FREE day!
Sunday: Weights (Upper)

There are a couple reasons for the schedule to look this way. One, it closely mimics the NYRRC ‘thon training schedule-which I’ve been trying to follow. Secondly, it it gives me a chance to workout with hubby because at this point, he’s only doing UBWOs with me and following the BFL eating plan (and the little shit has still managed to lose 8 pounds! Grrrr....) So, I wanted there to be at least two days a week that we get a chance to workout together and since my legs are getting a decent beating as is, I figured one LBWO per week is okay. I’ll probably add in some abs on my other weights days, just for good measure anyway.

Yummy, yummy in my tummy...

2005-09-12T22:06:00.000-04:00

I've yet to write about my recent trip to Korea, but in the meantime, here are some pictures to whet your appetite...

Yum! Gotta love some good, old-fashioned kimchi and bap (rice) first thing in the morning!

Actually, all of that kimchi makes me crave some........you guessed it! Dried squid! The package came complete with a butter dipping sauce. Awesome stuff...

Hmmm, what to choose? This is a typical restaurant front with fake samples of all of their dishes shown behind glass....hint: if you look in the glass, you can see John's reflection walking away from the tempting delights!

What's that you say? Have more bap and kimchi for breakfast? Well, don't mind if I do!

And here is our bed while we were resort-ing it up in Gangwan-do... on the floor on some cushy blanket-y mat things...

This is the song that never ends...

2005-09-12T20:42:00.000-04:00

...yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Story of my life, really.

Welcome to my new blog! I've been playing around with blogs for quite some time now and I never had a real purpose behind them. I've also been playing around with health and fitness for a very long time and, like the above, never had real purpose---or accountability for that matter. Well, I decided to marry the two and see what fruits could be born. So, I present to you my Phit Life Blog. Grab a cup of coffee, sit back, and watch the magic unfold. Oh... sorry, got caught up.....

For starters, let's get to know PhitLee (me). I'm 28, I live in Canada although I was raised in Detroit---the real Detroit, thankyouverymuch. The ghetto. The hood. The 'D'. I'm not one of those people who are really from some quaint subdivision 35 minutes away and told people they were from Detroit. No, sirree. I actually had to hide in my bathtub on New Year's Eve so that I would be safe from stray gunfire.

I got married in 2003 and immigrated to Canada to live with my husband in the country. It was and still is quite the culture shock for me, but I'm slowly getting used to this type of life and all of the bugs (literally, mosquitoes, grasshoppers and the biggest, meanest, nastiest crickets you ever saw---they're like country roaches) that come along with it.

I was overweight for most of my life. I have pictures from kindergarten where I was the big one to the left in the handmade dress (we didn't have much money). I think I hit 5'4.5" in the second grade and stopped growing. I wasn't athletic at all and consistently 'forgot' my bathing suit in swimming class or my gym clothes in PE so that I wouldn't have to show my body or my self-perceived inability to use it.

Fast-forward to the year 2000-I was ending a poor, long-term relationship and was depressed beyond belief. I was taking the injectable contraceptive Depo-Provera at the time and had gained 60 pounds putting me at an all-time max of about 215 pounds. I broke off the relationship, quit the drugs, moved out and tried to start a new life. I was teaching aerobics a couple times a week when I was at my high weight, which leads me to believe the drugs played a huge part in my gain (mood swings which seemed to bring me to 7-Eleven more than I care to admit). I took on a new aerobics class that had me teaching an additional 4 classes a week on top of my 3 current ones. I was busy, I'm sure I wasn't eating enough, either, however, the weight started to come off. Some of the students in my classes started to notice and make encouraging comments. It was at that time I met my now husband. He was training for the NYC Marathon and I was just tickled to finally meet someone who was interested in fitness! He was an angel and when I think back to how I looked (and I know it's awful to think this way) back then, I can't believe he was attracted to me. I still shake my head and wonder how I could have found someone like him who was able to see past the exterior and right into the interior. [sidenote: I secretly wondered if he had a thing for fat girls, but read on...]

As our relationship blossomed, we started to do active things together, running, biking, walking, hiking, you name it. In 2001, we noticed an advertisement for a 12 week program called Body for Life and decided to commit to the 12 weeks. We did really well and felt awesome after. I lost about 20 pounds and 3 dress sizes (from a 16/18 to a 12) and he did great, too. I finished at around 162 pounds and the support that he offered was amazing. We worked out together, talked about our '10's and shared the joys that BFL really brings.

We were married in 2003 and I was commuting from Canada to the States every day for work. The 90-minute commute one-way was really starting to show on my ass after the first couple years. Fast-forward to today and I'm still sitting here at about 164 lbs. Sure, I maintained most of my loss, but the change in body definition is staggering. After BFL, my body composition shifted into a well-proportioned shape. When I let that go for two years and doing only on-again/off-again workouts, everything kinda headed south...literally. I tried BFL halfheartedly a couple times in the interim but never finished. I always managed to somehow talk myself out of doing it.

Well, I'm happy to say that I'm now in my 4th week of my BFL Challenge 2. John and I decided to do this one together and although he's only completed maybe 6 workouts (I think he's doing this as a way to support me and not really because he wants to do it----shhhhh....don't tell him I know....) we're both doing fairly well. My motivation as of late has been waning a bit and I figured I could use this blog as a way to spark myself into it again. I'm a pretty motivated person by nature and sometimes I just need a kick in the pants to stir things up.

Scratch my itch.

2005-07-13T21:55:00.000-04:00

So I had dinner with a friend this evening (thanks for the killer salmon, Jack-you inspire without saying a word) and I think I've gotten the itch. The phitness itch, that is. "What is 'phitness'", you ask? Phitness is the mack-daddy of fitness. Phitness is being so spot-on with your body-mind-spirit and wanting only the best for every aspect. Phitness is being at one with your fit self. Om.

More to come...

As for giving my notice of resig. at work... the VP of the company handled it like a champ. We laughed, we cried, blah blah---it went really well and I thought it was cool when he asked me if there was anything he could do make me change my mind. 'Ummm, yeah. I'd like an office, an assistant, a personal subway from my doorstep to my desk and maybe fresh fruit delivered twice a week.' He was referring to monetary acknowledgement of course and I said no. I don't believe in playing the cash card with companies unless you're due for a raise. Employees become flight risks when their basis for staying is rooted solely in the green dough. I'm leaving because if I don't, I'm going to have a heart attack at the ripe ol' age of 28. And I ain't havin' that.

When I told Someone about my fruitful endeavors, she didn't receive it as well. I chose to tell her at the picnic (a picnic for over 500 people with the theme of 'Employee Appreciation'-orchestrated by moi with the help of a very large group of people). She raised her voice, told me she just couldn't talk to me and then proceeded to tell me she was disappointed in me. ? When I asked her *what* exactly she was disappointed in, she, of course, couldn't articulate it because it made no sense and she realized it. Yes, a round of applause for my clever boss.

She finally started talking to me again yesterday and seems to have come to terms with the fact that I'm really leaving and that no amount of guilt is going to keep me.

Phitness report 7/13

2005-07-13T13:51:00.000-04:00

Didn't get a chance to run this a.m. I've got quite a schedule lately....

Currently, I'm trying to get my homework/schoolwork organized and completed so that I don't look like a complete schmuck when it comes grade time. I'm working on some training for the new job and I need to get it completed before Korea. And lastly, I'm tying up loose ends with my current job/position/headache. Oh, and at some point I should be training for a marathon... whew!

I'll report more about the picnic and Someone's reaction (funny) to my resignation.

Mood: Positively giddy.

Gluttons for punishment.

2005-07-08T23:11:00.000-04:00

Well, I got the job (insert exclamation point here). I have no idea how this happened. I didn't do a SINGLE thing to cater or bend and here I am. With a new job. I can't believe it. I'm actually going to be working about half an hour from home. It's like a dream....

I gave my notice today and JG said the greatest thing to me: "I'm really going to miss you around here. I like the way I am around you." (You complete me? hahahahaha) Seriously, he said everything except the brackets. I was floored. That is probably one of the nicest things ANYONE has ever said to/about me. I hope he knows how much I've enjoyed working with him.

Tomorrow's my biggest hurdle; the company picnic and telling Someone that I'm quitting. She's gonna shit her ill-fitting pants. Stay tuned.

Hi! My name's Carol. I'm a pisces. I like long walks...

2005-07-06T21:53:00.000-04:00

Just came back from a delightfully retarded experience. I'm in the process of interviewing for a job closer to home (about 30 minutes away-as opposed to 90 minutes away) and their hiring system is jacked up.

Keep in mind that this is for a staffing consultant position at a staffing agency. During my first interview, the boss-lady escorts me to a phone and asks me to role-play (uugghh...I cringe when I think about it). She tasks me to dial her extension in the other room and wants me to call her and try to find a way to let her group know about opportunities within X company. I find it odd, but I do it anyway. I figure I've got a decent-paying job-even if it is going to give me a heart attack or bleeding ulcers within 6 months; so, what do I have to lose and what the heck. I do a bang up job and I'm asked to complete a questionnaire on my own time and e-mail it back to her. I'm also advised that they just think I'm the cat's meow and would really like for me to come to their 'hiring simulation' (I'm saying that part really slow in a Dr. Evil sort of way and making quotation marks with my fingers.) next week. I humor her and answer assinine questions, like, "What's the single most significant accomplishment in your life?" Bite me.

Anyway, I go to this simulation crap today and it's ridiculous. They get four of us in a room and make us 'role-play' (Dr. Evil/quotation marks) while 5 of their staff watch and take notes. Oh my GOD! What the hell is that? I had big-time Jerry Maguire fantasies about standing up and telling them it was the biggest waste of my time right in the middle of it.... I just had to make sure I nailed down another person from our group who would stand up right behind me and support my decision whole-heartedly. "You had me at 'hello' "...

I didn't stand up or storm out. I was complete true to thine self and I'm sure they hated it. I did almost exactly the opposite of everything they wanted. Hey, at least I did it with a smile.

So, tomorrow's back to the grindstone. Maybe it's time to redirect my energy/hostility/frustration/anger. Maybe...

Pull my strings.

2005-07-05T21:40:00.000-04:00

Sometimes (today) I feel like a puppet. I drive a ridiculously long way to work (crossing a national border along the way, mind you) and an equal distance back home in the evening. I work ridiculously long hours and I feel as if I have nothing to show for it. Sure, I've learned a heck of a lot in the past year when it comes to blue-collar HR shit, but I have nothing to show for it. I don't feel as if I'm making the world a better place in any way. I don't feel as if my marriage has benefited from it. I don't feel as if my family and friends would think I'm a better person. If anything, I've become more of a jaded ass. I honestly try to forget and push past all of the shitshitshit that goes on daily at work. I don't remember anyone's birthday because I always feel too busy. I'm always rushed and I think I'm getting an ulcer. My ass feels as though it's spreading each second I sit in the car. I just feel like a fucking puppet.

Like some dog chained to a tree - life will seem great one moment because the sun is out and it's a beautiful day. Then BAM! It's starts pouring rain and everyone's in the house leaving me out in the rain soaking wet---calling it a learning experience.

Ready to move on.

2005-07-05T16:32:00.000-04:00

This job is for the birds. I commute 90 minutes one way to deal with bullshit people day in and day out. This job has taken enough of my life.

Whew, I feel better.

Onto something happier... if you've been debating whether or not to live the carb-free lifestyle, go read this article about low-carbing. Probably one of the most poignant pieces on the matter. I wanna find this person and give them a HUGE hug. Makes me want some pie.

Nest.

2005-07-04T20:21:00.000-04:00

John was trimming the bushes outside when he came upon this:

After clearing things away a bit, he showed me this:

You can just barely make out the little blue eggs inside. It seems too late for babies to hatch now and he said that they look a little 'mottled' (sp?). I read somewhere that the mom robin will discard or ignore any eggs that haven't hatched within a certain period of time. It's taking everything inside of me to not fiddle with the nest. I'm so curious to see the inner workings and get a closer look at the eggs.... Oh well. If there's no activity before we leave for Korea, I might remove the nest and finish the yardwork. I keep waiting to see if any robins are even paying attention to that area --- they're not.